I didn’t plan on revealing any parts of my past today with Niko. Heck, I thought I was just going to teach him some meditation techniques. But after how open he was with me, it felt easy to give a piece of myself back to him.
“That must’ve been hard. To help raise kids when you were just one yourself.”
His statement takes me by surprise. I’ve thought those words a thousand times before. Iwasjust a kid. Why did my parents think I could take care of five other ones? The fact that Niko recognizes that in such a short amount of time scares me. No one has ever understood me like that. No one but Ellie.
Unease settles in my stomach at the realization that this man can read me like a book. I’ve kept myself closed off from people, particularly men, for a reason. If I dare to let someone in again, it’s only a matter of time before they realize I’m not what they expected. That I’m not enough.
To avoid the uncomfortable conversation this discussion is headed toward, I hop off the floor and glance at my watch, pretending I’m reading a message.
“Crap. I forgot I had a meeting with Katie this morning. You think we can meet after practice?”
I feel bad for ending our session abruptly, but revealing even that small piece of myself has me headed down a rabbit hole of self-loathing. I’m no longer in the right headspace to support him right now.
Niko slowly stands from the ground and puts his hands in his pockets. I nibble at my bottom lip, fighting the nervous energy that is buzzing under my skin.
I can feel his gaze on me as I wait for him to respond. I choose to look anywhere but at him, glancing at the wall just over his shoulder, afraid he’ll be able to read through my bullshit just as easily as he read between the lines about my childhood.
“Sure. After practice works.” His voice calls my attention back to him and he looks confused, but doesn’t question my abrupt end to this meeting. “Meet you here around two thirty?”
I nod. “Yep. Sounds good.’
His eyes bounce between mine, and I can tell he wants to say more, but he just nods back and slowly walks out of my office.
Once he’s gone, I lean my head back and breathe a sigh of relief. “What the fuck was that?” I ask the universe.
“Dude, I don’t think you’ve hit the net once today. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Connor takes his helmet off and wipes his head with a towel. He’s looking at me like I’ve grown three heads, trying to understand why I’m the worst player on the ice right now.
I take a long sip from my water bottle then slam it against the boards into the holder that’s attached. “I don’t fucking know, man.” I rest my stick against the boards and lean down on it, trying to get my head on straight.
Except, that’s a bald-faced lie. On top of everything going on with Sophia, lack of childcare, and running on only a few hours of sleep, our damn yoga instructor has infiltrated my brain and turned it to mush.
The meeting between me and Sadie replays through my mind while Connor stares at me. What the hell spooked her so much she felt the need to kick me out of there?
An elbow jabs me in the arm, snapping me out of my Sadie-induced haze. “Let’s go, Cap. Wake the fuck up.” Connor hops onto the ice for a line change and I follow suit.
We’re playing a three-on-three scrimmage, trying to prepare for any overtime situations we might have beforeplayoffs. We need every point we can get so we finish at a higher seed, and winning in overtime is a hell of a lot better than going to a shootout. As annoying as Mack can be, I never want to put my goalie in that situation, no matter how exciting it may be for the people watching.
Connor shoots the puck to me just as I’m crossing center ice. The puck hits my stick but my head is still turned toward Connor and where the puck came from, and not focused on the six-foot-five defenseman, who lowers his shoulder and tosses my ass through the air.
My ass hits the ice first, followed by my back and head. “Fuck,” I groan and lie still for a moment as I try to catch my bearings. It was a clean hit but I wasn’t paying attention and our big-ass Russian defenseman made me pay for it.
Rolling over, I tuck myself in and get in the turtle position, attempting to hide my embarrassment. I should know better than to take a cross-ice pass without seeing what’s coming first.
I hear someone’s skates digging in the ice before they come to a stop next to me, shooting snow toward me that I feel land on my neck. I take another second to stay in my shameful shell and then climb to my feet.
I’m surprised to see Coach Ellie standing next to me and not Connor. I thought for sure he was about to give me hell for that one.
“You good, Niko?” She’s standing with her chin on top of her gloves that are resting on the knob of her stick.
I dust the snow off my jersey and pants, while she continues to scrutinize me. “I’m good, Coach.”
She lowers her stick to the ice but keeps her eyes on me. “Not to be an asshole, but you don’t look good. You’re gonna get yourself seriously hurt if you can’t figure your shit out. You need to take the day?”
Instinctively, I shake my head. I’ve never missed a practice for anything that wasn’t injury related. I’m sure as hell not going to miss one because I can’t fucking think straight.
“No. I’m fine. I’ll do better.” I look around and see the rest of my team has retreated to the benches. Lincoln is on his way over to us now. Just what I fucking need.
He stops just in front of me, next to Ellie, and gives me a nod. “That was pretty freaking ugly, Niko. What the hell is going on?”
