“You okay?” She stops what she’s doing, giving me her full attention.
Am I okay? Not even a little bit. But I’ve had years of experience and I know not to react prematurely to a situation. Am I afraid Sadie might be interested in a job elsewhere? Yes. But that doesn’t mean I should jump to conclusions. The thought of her leaving makes me sick but that’s my past trauma talking. I need to calm my racing heart and quiet these intrusive thoughts before breaching the subject with her.
I turn the phone over on the counter and walk over to her and kiss her temple. “I’m okay. I’m going to give Sophia a five-minute warning. I’m sure she will not be thrilled she has to say goodbye to the goats.”
Sadie eyes me skeptically but doesn’t call me on it. She simply nods and finishes putting the desserts away.
With each step toward Sophia, I take a calming breath and try to get a hold of my rising emotions. I have so many questions and feelings running through me, it’s hard to know what’s real and what I should grab onto.
Do I think Sadie would take off without telling us like Claire has done a million times before? No. Is there a chance she still might leave us? Maybe. Does she want to leave us? I don’t think so. But I’ve thought that before and had my entire world turned upside down. I’ve learned not to assume things, good or bad, so I’m not going to assume she wants to leave. But I also can’t assume she wants to stay.
Unlike the last time, I won’t make the same mistake and won’t keep my mouth shut. I need to ask Sadie about that text and if she plans on leaving us.
As much as I may not like the answer, I need to know.
After Sophia begged and pleaded with me for fifteen minutes to buy her a goat during bath time, Sadie stepped in and offered to do bedtime. She’s been quieter than usual ever since I found that text on her phone, and I can’t say that I blame her. I haven’t been Mr. Talkative either.
The worst thing I can do is lash out at Sadie about this mystery job offer before I even have her side of the story. As desperate as I am for answers, I also care about this woman immensely. She’s brought color back into a world that was only ever vibrant when Sophia was involved. She’s changed Sophia and me for the better and I owe it to her to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Doesn’t mean I’m not fucking scared to lose her.
I’m still trying to figure out how to approach the subject when Sadie comes walking down the stairs.
“Well, it took an extra bedtime story and a promise to visit the petting zoo next week, but I think I gave you a little bit more time to come up with an excuse as to why she can’t have a goat.”
She takes a seat on the couch, putting more distance thanusual between us. She rests her elbow on the cushion and lifts her leg up underneath her. “Can you tell me what bothered you earlier in the kitchen? You haven’t been yourself since I asked you to text the petting zoo.”
Leave it to Sadie to know exactly what to say. I’m grateful she’s not upset with me for being distant all night. I just needed to sort through my emotions while also being a parent to an overly excited five-year-old.
“I’m sorry I shut down. I was already overstimulated from the party. Then Sophia was extra enthusiastic and persistent about buying a goat and I didn’t know how to process the information.”
Sadie tilts her head, confusion etched on her face. “What information?”
Here goes nothing.
“When I was looking for the text thread with the petting zoo, I came across a text about a job opportunity.”
Sadie’s eyes go wide before her confusion morphs to guilt. I don’t like the looks of that. I keep talking before I lose my nerve.
“I wasn’t snooping, but the word ‘job’ caught my attention. I’m hoping it’s an old company from when you were job searching while living with Ellie but it was a fairly recent text. Are you looking for a job, Sadie?”
There. The question is out, but for some reason I feel even worse than I did before. I thought asking it would free some of the anxiety inside of me, but the look on Sadie’s face does nothing to ease my worry. She’s nibbling on her lower lip and looking down as she fidgets with the string of her hoodie.
Finally, she looks up at me. And I know the moment her eyes lock on mine, I’m not going to like what she’s about to say.
“I wasn’t actively looking for a job, no. But my old employer from Denver reached out to me last week about aproject we had planned in the past. He’s opening up a yoga retreat and wants me to manage the place.”
For the second time today, I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched in the stomach. She said she wasn’t looking for a job, but she also hasn’t said if she’s interested in this job. And why wouldn’t she be? It’s a phenomenal opportunity. She told me once it’s always been her dream to run a yoga retreat.
My words are quiet as I can barely force them out. “Are you thinking about taking the job?”
Sadie opens her mouth to speak but no words come out. Her hesitation nearly destroys me.
“So you are thinking about it.”
She starts shaking her head. “No. I have a job. I’m taking care of Sophia.”
I should feel more relief at her comment, but the only thing I feel is guilt. She didn’t even consider taking her dream job because she’s my daughter’s nanny. As much as I love how caring and considerate Sadie is, I can’t ask her to give up her dream for me.
