His tone and furrowed brow felt like a slap across my face. What the hell was going on?
“Why would you say that?” I asked, even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer. “What do you mean?”
“Because it’s not my thing.” Harrison suddenly became very focused on rearranging the slices of pizza on his plate. “Never has been.”
I wasn’t about to let whatever static was buzzing between us turn into an electrical storm. There was still a chance we could turn this around. Maybe he was just stressed out about work, and now worried about me on top of it?
“Well, I bet I can teach you.” I began, trying to shift to a softer tone. “The first step is planting your sweet ass right next to me on the couch. Then you have to set that plate down on the coffee table so you can wrap your arms around me. A few kisses would help too. And you can say some stuff about how happy you are that I’m okay, and that you’ll always be there for me.”
The last bit came out too quickly for me to censor myself. It was part wishful thinking, part test. We’d never defined our relationship, so it was bold for me to suggest that “always” was an option for us. But I couldn’t deny it was what I wanted to hear.
I held my breath, waiting to see what he’d do.
“When does your sister get back?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked. My stomach started fizzing uncomfortably because it wasnotthe kind of response I’d hoped for.
“Well, she’s your sister and your roommate, which means she knows you better than anyone. She’s probably the right person to turn to for…hugs, and all of that.”
He was still pushing his food around instead of eating it. The pizza oil was starting to congeal to an unappetizing orange-y sludge.
Was this really happening? Was the man I was dating really trying to pawn off my need for TLC on mysister? If I didn’t have an appetite before, it was nowlonggone. In fact, the smell of the food in front of me was starting to make me ill.
“Why are you doing this?” I whispered. Fear buzzed through my body. Harrison was bricking up a wall between us as I watched, helpless.
He tossed his plate on the coffee table and got up to pace around my apartment. “Why are you pushing me for something I’m incapable of giving?”
His word choice was a record scratch.Incapable?
“Harrison, no, that’s not true.” I started to get up to follow him, but he whipped around and narrowed his eyes at me, so I dropped back down on the couch. I knew it was because he wanted me to take it easy, but in this moment, the way he wouldn’t let me anywhere near him felt more ominous.
I pressed on. “The way you treated me at your dad’s party?Thatwas care and concern. You looked out for me the whole time. I know it’s possible for you, but for some reason you’re acting likeyou have no desire to take care of me now. Am I being too needy? Because I don’t think the bare minimum is asking too much.”
Harrison stopped pacing and let his head drop back as he released a frustrated huff.
“I don’t know how much more you want from me, Gwen. I picked you up from the hospital, I took you to get your prescription, I got you food, and I’m here now. Why isn’t that enough? Please fill me in, because it sure feels like I’m doing my part.”
I couldn’t hold back any longer. How could he be so blind?
“Because it’s totally lacking inemotions!” I screamed at him. “You’re here,” I pointed at the ground, “but you’re nothere,” I slammed my palm against my chest, over my heart.
“I appreciate all the to-do list stuff you took care of for me. Thank you, if I haven’t already said it enough. But what I need in this moment, after a scary fucking car accident, is for you to act like you’re happy I’m still alive!”
I realized that I’d chosen my words poorly when I saw the shadow pass over his face. I hadn’t meant to call up memories of losing his mother.
“I’m sorry. That came out wrong.”
We both went silent.
“You’re asking for something I can’t give,” Harrison finally said in a steely voice, staring at the ground. “I’m sorry, but it’s best you find that out now.”
I fell back against the couch at his admission, wrung out. My lungs felt like they’d shrunk, like I couldn’t get a full, deep breathof air. What had started off as a tense conversation now sounded like an express train to the end of us.
“You’re serious,” I whispered.
It wasn’t a question because I already knew the answer. I had stupidly put myself out there only to find out, yet again, that Harrison Ashford didn’t care enough about me to give me what I needed.
Heartfelt concern and genuine care. Iknewit wasn’t too much to ask for in a partner. But apparently, it wasn’t something he was ever going to give me.
