Fuck.
She was gone when I woke up this morning, as expected, but I was hoping she’d fall asleep too and be there anyway. Maybe that’s why I’m in a pissy mood.
Or, probably more likely, a pissy mood is just my general demeanor.
The repercussions didn’t matter to me as much as being with her did.
I don’t know what’s happening.
Instead of hating her very existence and the people who brought her here, I find myself glancing over at her during the game.
I’ve never glanced at a woman during a game.
Not even back when I was married.
I’ve always been hyper focused on gameplay. Warming up. Intentionally stretching. I couldn’t let a woman interfere with that.
And now I can’t stop thinking about what happens when her year is up. When I’m all fixed and no longer need a brand strategist. When I have my future mapped out, when I have all the sponsorships I can handle, when my legacy is secured.
My legacy.
What a goddamn joke.
The only motivator I had before to work on mylegacywas for my mother’s reputation. But my mother doesn’t even know who the hell I am. What difference does my legacy make?
Zero. None. Zilch.
And yet, as I glance over at the woman who’s been trying to help me with it anyway, I can’t help but think that maybe itdoesmatter. Maybe I want to change for her. Maybe I want to be someone worthy of someone like her.
I don’t know how to do that. How to be that. How to open up to her. How to tell her what happened in my past that made me the man I am today, the one who has no fucks left to give because they were all buried with my past.
She’s awakening them. She’s making me want to care again. And it’s confusing as hell.
I never wanted to care again. It’s easier not to.
Or maybe I want to continue being the fuck-up I am so she’ll have to stick around longer than a year.
Our eyes catch, and she looks surprised that I’ve taken my focus off the field. I return it where it should be as expected, not sure why I’m suddenly more interested in watching her survey the field and look over at me every so often than I am in watching my teammates on offense.
It’s not what I was expecting.
It’s not something I’m ready for.
I want to put the shield back up, but I’m afraid if I do, I’ll lose access to the first thing that I’ve wanted since it all went down over ten years ago.
The Aces win. Handily. We head back to Vegas after the game. She sits with the staff even though I want her next to me. We don’t say goodbye. Her car is already in the parking garage when I get home, and she must already be upstairs because she’s not in the lobby.
I stare at her door a few extra seconds, willing it to open, before I head into my own condo.
I’m being stupid.
But when things got too hard to handle on my own, she was there for me. When the demons held sleep hostage, she stepped in and battled them for me without even knowing how important it was that she showed up for me.
Nobody shows up for me. I’m alone, and I have been for a long time.
She once told me I wasn’t broken and that it was okay to tell her why I think I am. I didn’t take her up on that, but it might be time to confess. It might be time to get it out of the place where I’ve let it sit, rotting and festering for ten long years. It might be time to let her in. It might be time to reclaim my life rather than continuing to live in the shadows, battling the demons alone.
I never wanted to. I was better off this way for over an entire decade. Ten fucking years.
