She turns back in my arms to face me and says, “Your turn.”
Before I can put meaning to the words, she drops to her knees and pulls my feet out of bloodied socks and shoes. Disarmed, I can only watch as she stands to help me out of my shirt, then unbuttons and unzips my slacks, skimming them down.
Together, we step under the spray. Bloodstained water swirls down the drain, and she closes her eyes, tipping her head back into the deluge. I take a cake of soap and lather my hands, thenuse them to glide over the worst spots, careful to clean the cut on her neck and not to get any in her eyes. She keeps her face tilted up and her eyes shut as I wash her. Somehow, she must understand my primal need to care for her, inspect her to make certain she’s okay.
When there is no more blood staining her skin, I let her do the same to me, letting go of her for as long as it takes for her little hands to scrub me clean.
“You could have stopped him. Why didn’t you save her? You’ve been planning this takeover for how long? Months? Years. We could have done something. I couldn’t save my mom, but we could have saved her.” Her words come soft at first, falling from her downturned lips, then gain steam, ending on a demanding note as she scowls up at me.
I thread my hands through her hair on either side of her skull. “No, we couldn’t.” The words are scraped from the raw wound somewhere in my chest. If tears fall, they’re washed away by the spray. “She didn’t want to be saved. I tried to help her for a long time. I-I was too late.”
“How can you say that? It’s never too late to try to save someone you love.”
Pulling her close is the only thing that keeps me from falling apart. “I agree… but she didn’t. I didn’t want to see it. Haven’t wanted to for years. But she’s been trying to tell me for years that she was ready to go.”
“What do you mean?”
I press kisses into her hair like it will do something for the pain. But it carves a place in my soul I know won’t ever heal. It will only get easier to endure. “Her flowers? The ones she showed you. They’re all poisonous. I didn’t understand for a long time why she grew them. Then it hit me like a freight train. She was planning to use them.” I swallow hard when my voicegutters out. “She’d waited until she was certain I wouldn’t be alone before she did.”
Catriona’s head presses into my chest. “No, why would she?—”
“Yes. She suffered it all. Years of his rape. His torture. Of being without my dad. Of being alone here. Worrying about me. She lost herself because she knew if I didn’t have her, I’d be lost too. She dealt with so much because of me.” The words make the ache inside me throb viciously because I know they’re true. We’ve both fought so hard. It kills me to think she’d clung to a life that had abused her only for my sake. Could I have saved her the torment if I’d let her go?
“Oh, Aiden, I’m so sorry.”
“Even if we had been able to do something, she gave up a long time ago. There was no saving her now.” I say the words like they’re for Catriona’s sake, but I know they’re really for me. Not that they help the guilt rising in my throat.
“Why not?”
“She called me a few weeks ago, listing another plant she was cultivating. Blue rockets she called them. Cian never cared to learn her flowers. She was less than nothing to him. If he had, maybe he would have realized. She’d given me a vial in the gardens. It was empty. She whispered in my ear that she’d already taken it, so I didn’t have a choice.”
“She…”
“Blue rockets, also known as wolf’s bane or monkshood, can kill you in less than two hours. She was already dead when we got here.” When I can bear to look at her, fat tears stream down Catriona’s face. “She laced his wine with the same poison to help us.”
“She poisoned him?”
“If she had this all along, she could have killed him years ago,” I say bitterly, ashamed of myself for even voicing the words.
“With you gone? Someone could have retaliated. Killed you.” I don’t know how it happens, but now she’s comforting me. “Plus, she probably wanted to see you one last time so she could say goodbye. You can’t blame yourself.”
“You have to go,” I tell her, needing to change the subject. My voice is so low I’m not sure if she can hear me over the pounding of the water. “It’s not safe for you to stay with me. I can come and find you when things are settled.”
“You can try to make me, but I’ll just come back,” she answers just as softly. “I’m guessing you made a deal with Niall.”
“You’re too smart for your own good. Yes, I’ve been building allies for years. He finally gave me an opening after… after the charity event. He’s not much better than Cian, and Mara is… she’s collateral. But we’ll fix it. I’ll fix it.” I crush her body against me, enjoying the life-affirming sensation of her skin against mine. “I wish you weren’t so fuckin’ stubborn. What if something like this happens to you again? Like my ma. Do you have any idea what people like him could do to you simply because you mean something to me?”
“I know exactly what they could do to me, and I’m still saying I don’t want a divorce. Are you going to tell me you know what’s best for me? Because I’ll tell you right now, that’s a great way to piss off a woman when you’re naked and vulnerable. You fought to have me for too long. I’m not going to let you get rid of me so easily.”
“So fuckin’ stubborn,” I repeat into her wet hair, but there’s a lightness in my chest that suffocates all of my carefully prepared objections.
I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. The thought of losing her to Cian the way I had my mother? It knocked me sideways as much as watching Ma die. The feeling took me by surprise so thoroughly that I’ll never forgive myself for that moment’s hesitation that led to his demented hands roaming allover her. The image is seared into my brain. Every time I close my eyes, I’ll see her panicked expression.
“You’ve known I get what I want for a while now, so you can’t pretend ignorance. Remember our wedding? I won’t leave you alone to face this, Aiden.”
“I could make you leave if I wanted. Tie you up and throw your arse on the plane.”
“Do that and see what I do to you,” she practically growls.
