I don’t know if he was saying that because he regretted his choice, or because he would have regretted not marrying me.
I was afraid to ask because the second answer would ruin me.
I was so in love with him it was ridiculous. I couldn’t run from it. I couldn’t hide from it. All I could do was try to keep my mouth shut and put up as much of a defense as I could manage. But it was hard when he held me like this.
When he looked at me with soft eyes, spilling tender words, it made me want to crawl on top of him and kiss him until neither of us could breathe. And hell, maybe I would have lost control and done exactly that, but my saving grace was that my body wouldn’t allow me to.
Not right now.
“What are you thinking?” he asked.
“About you.” I couldn’t lie. I was so done lying. It had always gone against every single one of my morals, and I was worrying I was losing myself in the process of dealing with this new disorder. “I wish I could kiss you right now.”
His cheeks went slightly ruddy. “Forest. You can. I told you before that I’m yours.”
“Yeah, but I fucked up your day today. Not sure I deserve?—”
My words were cut off as he leaned over and pressed a finger to my lips. “No.” I glowered at him, then licked his finger. He grimaced but didn’t move it. “Nice try, but I fucking mean it. You’re not going to apologize for doing something I suggested and agreed to. This isn’t on you.”
I knew what he was doing, so I used my arm to knock his hand away and glowered at him. “You’re not going to try andtake on a heavier burden because I made a bad decision.” I took in a deep breath. “I don’t regret marrying you. I like you, Nash. I’m very obviously attracted to you, and spending time with you has been…” I didn’t really have the words, and I wasn’t going to tell him I loved him. My brain was foggy, and I was struggling to say something coherent. “It’s been amazing.”
“Sweetheart…”
I shrugged and flopped back down. “You can’t protect me from everything. I don’twantyou to protect me from everything. I want to feel like I can do this. And I want you to be allowed to get angry at me when I make a shitty decision that affects other people.”
His eyes went wide, then he laughed and touched my jaw. “Shitty, huh? You must mean it if you’re pulling out the swear words.”
I shrugged and tried to hide my smile, but failed. “I do. And I’ll fix it, okay? You deserve to be taken care of, too, and I want to be part of that. Your friends told you to lean on them, but I want you to know I’m here too. This doesn’t have to be all me.”
He swallowed heavily, then sat back. “Let me carry you to bed.”
I should’ve expected that. I was being too much. “I can get up on my own.”
“Forest, you still can’t open your hand enough to flip me off, and your legs are limp as fuck. Just…let me help when you need help.”
I tried to prove him wrong, but the most I could manage was half a peace sign. Flopping back down, I groaned. “Fine.”
Nash chuckled quietly as he scooped me back up into the bridal carry. It didn’t feel as awkward this time, with the muscle relaxers hitting me. I was breathing easier and my body didn’t feel like it was trying to fist-fight me. My legs were limp now, likea wet spaghetti noodle, and wouldn’t hold my weight, but at least I could flex my toes again.
“Your place or mine?” he asked when he hit the hallway.
I groaned. “Cute.”
His smile was bright, though it didn’t reach his eyes, which told me he was still struggling with all of this. “I’m serious. I’d like to curl up with you for a while, so how about yours? Easier if you need to move around tonight.”
I hated that he was right. I wanted this to be more equitable. I wanted to be able to share his space, too, if he wanted me there. But right now, I wasn’t going to risk the stairs. “Alright,” I whispered.
He bumped the door open with his knee, then sat me on the edge of the bed. My balance was shit and my vertigo was still hovering around my edges, but I was able to pull my shirt and pants off, crawling under the blanket in just my boxers.
He stripped to his underwear and joined me, his warm chest pressed against my back. Tendrils of pleasure crawled up my spine, but they didn’t go much farther south than the pit of my stomach. It was ironic that every muscle in my body was rock hard from this damn disorder, but my dick remained limp.
Nash didn’t seem interested in that though. He coasted a touch down my sternum, fingers dragging lines through the hair on my stomach, then back up where he pressed his palm to the beat of my heart. He let out a faint, shuddering breath, then buried his nose in the back of my neck.
“If I’m ever too much—” I started.
“Forest.”
“No, just…let me say this. If I’m ever too much, I need you to tell me. I know we kind of skirted around this before, but I need to say it again. I need to hear you promise you’ll ask for a break if you need one.” I knew our marriage wasn’t meant to last forever. It was destined for as long as it took me to get back on my feet.
