“No, it’s not.” I forced the words out. “I feel responsible and at fault, but I’m not…”
“But it’s not easy to let go of that guilt.”
“It’s the hardest thing in the world. I love those guys more than anything, and to see them get hurt and struggle… It’s been so hard to watch. I often feel so helpless, like I’m not doing enough to help them.”
“Oh, Nash, don’t you realize how much you’ve done for them? You were their compass when they were lost, their North Star. Their whole universe circled around you. You were the stability they needed. But they’re ready to fly the nest and explore the world on their own.”
“I know.” Then, softer, “I know. But I hadn’t expected to feel this…empty without them. This lost. Like I’ve somehow lost my own compass.”
Forest was quiet for a while, but it didn’t bother me. I liked that he didn’t feel the need to always fill every silence with words, that he was as comfortable with the quiet as I was.
Finally, he said, “Not to beat that universe metaphor to death, but maybe without them, the center of your gravity has shifted, and you’ll need to find your own path, your own orbit.”
I let that sink in. “That’s an apt metaphor, actually, and you’re right. It has.”
“So give it time, Nash. You’ll figure it out.”
I could only hope he was right about that part too, though I had to admit that sitting here with him like this, I felt a little less unmoored than I had in months.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
NASH
I felt awkward as fuck the next morning, having unloaded on Forest like that, but when he acted as if nothing had happened, that unease slowly evaporated. Maybe it hadn’t been as big a thing as I had made it out to be, sharing my burdens with him. Though it sure as fuck felt big to me, considering I felt so much lighter now, like I’d gotten rid of a weight I’d been carrying that whole time.
After breakfast, we went for a walk on the beach. I took one look at the soft sand, realized that it would be a nightmare for Forest, and lowered myself to my knees.
“What are you doing?” Forest asked
“Climb on my back. I’ll carry you to the shoreline, where the sand is more compact and easier to walk on.”
He hesitated only a moment, but then wrapped his arms and legs around me. Supporting his butt, I rose to my feet, then carefully made my way across the sand. Once I reached the shore, I gently put him down again.
He immediately took my arm, and I held on to him tightly. Even leaning on me, Forest couldn’t walk for long, but when we got back, he had a healthy color on his cheeks and his eyes sparkled.
Of course he fell asleep on the couch right after lunch, but that was fine. I settled on the reading chair close to him with a book, though I ended up spending as much time looking at him as I did at the pages. All in all, still time well spent.
I ordered dinner from a local Indian restaurant that didn’t do delivery, but it was only a five-minute drive to pick it up, so no issue at all. We both enjoyed the chicken korma and tikka masala, served with naan and some lovely vegetable side dishes.
I usually preferred a bit more heat—god knew I’d grown used to that with Bean’s cooking experiments, which had ranged from spicy to I-never-want-to-feel-this-sensation-when-shitting-ever-again—but Forest had said he didn’t tolerate heat very well, so all good. And even better, we had enough leftovers for lunch the next day.
“I’ll help with the dishes,” Forest said when I started clearing the table.
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him to rest, but one look at his face made me swallow those words. His mouth was set in what I’d come to recognize as his stubborn look, the one where he was willing to battle it out. As much as I wanted to protect him, he did need to learn to set his own boundaries and accept the limitations of his body, so I simply nodded.
The kitchen was tiny, and we kept bumping into each other while doing the dishes, with me washing everything and him drying. There was no room for a dishwasher in the small cottage, but I didn’t mind.
“My grandparents never had a dishwasher,” I said, smiling at the memory. “Even when they became standard everywhere, they refused to get one. They liked doing the dishes together every night.”
“Aw…” Forest smiled softly. “That’s really sweet.”
“They were so in love. They met as teenagers when my grandmother’s parents moved in next door to my grandfatherand his family, and according to both of them, it was love at first sight. They got married at nineteen, and when my grandfather died, they’d been married for almost seventy years.”
“Seventy years? God, that’s forever…”
I hummed in agreement as I handed him the next plate to dry. “When my grandfather passed away, I knew my grandmother would follow shortly after, and she did. Only five months later, she died as well, even though she’d been healthy. She just couldn’t live without him.”
Forest sniffled, and when I looked at him, his eyes were a little moist. “That’s beautiful. Isn’t that what everyone dreams of?”
