I sat heavily in my chair behind the desk and stared at my hands, at anything, as long as I didn’t have to think.
Yet I couldn’t help but think.
What had I done?
Had it been me or her?
True, I hadn’t told her where I was going, but at the time… the war had been over and I’d thought she’d been well enough. She’d been my rock during the siege, nothing could break her. I hadn’t told her… because I’d wanted to surprise her… but gods, that was just idiotic! Why hadn’t I told her? Why hadn’t I just said, “I love you, Tisi, marry me, let’s go see your father before he dies.”
Why?
I didn’t have a good answer. I’d made a mistake, a massive mistake. I’d left her and I’d — in some ways — taken her father from her.
And though those five days had passed quickly for me — excited and riding hard, a plan in my head and love in my heart — I could see how five days might be an eternity of waiting if she didn’t know what she was waiting for.
Shit…
… But still… how could she have fucked Tomas?
I shuddered.
It had been petty of me, but as soon as my father had handed control of the Dragoons over to me, I’d given the man his walking papers. I couldn’t stand to be around him, let alone work with him.
But she’d only gone to Tomas because she’d needed someone. She’d wanted me, but I hadn’t been there. And apparently, he hadn’t been the best lover. I took some small solace in that.
But still…
How had I messed things up so badly?
By not communicating, that was how.
It was that simple.
I’d been excited and — for some unknown reason — wanted to surprise her, but I hadn’t asked her whatshe’dneeded. I’d wanted to get the blessing to marry her as soon as possible, but what did it matter if her father had blessed us? She was the one that mattered. Why had I not askedher?
Gods, I was an idiot.
And now… I’d asked the queen to make me a general. How could I be a general if I couldn’t even handle one simple situation with the woman I loved, if I couldn’t say what needed to be said?
Groaning, I rested my head on my crossed arms on my desk, sighing heavily.
“Captain?”
The voice roused me from a dreamless sleep. I lifted my head — instantly regretting the position I’d accidentally fallen asleep in — and groaned.
“What?” I said a bit too harshly.
“It’s well past breakfast,” Midros, my aide-de-camp said, standing over me. “Usually, you’re up by now. Is everything well?”
“No, everything is not well!” I barked at the poor man. He didn’t deserve this. I sighed. “Sorry, Midros. I didn’t sleep well.”
The man’s look said he saw that clearly enough. Thankfully, he said nothing.
“Please bring me some breakfast, whatever you can find. I’ll eat here.”
The man nodded. He hadn’t been dismissed so he waited.
“And…” My mind was heavy and hazy. “What do I have on my schedule today?”
