With a sigh, he admits, “I couldn’t be in here with the door closed.”
Lifting my eyes from Princess to Ford, I tell him, “It’s a nice night, why don’t you spend the night out back under the stars. You won’t feel closed in out there.”
He bangs the back of his head against the wall. “I know I’m here, I’m with my brothers, but it doesn’t feel real.” Sadness fills his eyes as he holds my gaze. “I’m scared I’m going to wake up and it was just a dream,” he whispers, then quickly adds, “Please don’t tell the guys I said that.”
“I won’t,” I promise. “It’ll take a beat for everything to fall back into place, but it will. This life, it moves too quickly to get lost in one moment. If it helps, you can keep Princess with you.” Stroking his soft fur, I add to Ford, “I’ve been around bikersall my life, sometimes they talk to one another, but most of the time shit gets bottled up. I’m always here for you, Luca too, your brothers, don’t bottle this up, because one day it’ll pour out of you, and you don’t want to add regret to your pile.”
“I still can’t work out how a guy like Luca got a woman like you.”
There’s nothing but light in his eyes as he speaks.
“He’s fully aware how lucky he is.” I grin. “We’re gonna have a great life here, Ford. All of us. We don’t know how it’s gonna play out, but we will have a great time along the way.”
“I’m sorry to hear about your dad and grandpa. I know how much you love them and will miss them.”
“Everyday I feel a little better, they would want me to live and be happy and that’s all I can do until I see them again.”
A yawn slips away from me.
“You should go to bed. I’ve kept you longer than I should have.”
Climbing up to my feet, I look down at him and try to imagine what he feels. “Get some sleep. Everything looks worse when you’re overly tired.”
“I’ll try. Goodnight, Victoria.”
“Goodnight, Ford.” I smile. “I’m so happy to say that on this night.”
I sit by River’s crib once I’m back in my bedroom and wonder how mothers survive their sons.
5
Luca
Ishould’ve been able to sleep last night. I shouldn’t have been tossing and turning listening to Ford walking around the place. As the sun rises, I climb out of bed and dress. Victoria is out for the count and my son is snuggled in his crib.
I heard Ford go downstairs an hour ago but haven’t heard him return to his room. Grabbing my phone and my keys, I lean over the bed and press a kiss on the top of Tor’s head.
The smell of stale beer hangs in the air as I make my way down the stairs. Ford is sat in the kitchen, staring at nothing.
I pour myself a coffee and join him at the table. “Can’t sleep?”
I grab a cigarette from a pack that’s been left on the table and roll it between my fingers. I understand why Dad picked up this habit when he quit smoking. I still need something to do with my hands.
“I couldn’t settle. Don’t know the fuck why.”
“It’s probably the adrenaline because you’re free.”
He nods.
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Ford. You were alive all this time and we…”
He cuts me off. “You didn’t know. You warned us what could happen when we wanted to patch into the club and unfortunately it happened to me.”
He isn’t wrong but it still doesn’t sit right.
“Even so, I should’ve made sure. Got to your body somehow before the funeral.”
He flinches and asks, “I had a funeral? My mom…”
