My head was spinning. Was all that money really mine? It felt a bit weird – like I’d been awarded compensation for a bad childhood. I didn’t care about the money. I cared about the truth and wished with all my heart that I wasn’t just finding out about it now.
The tape clicked and Marianne cleared her throat. ‘This is my final recording. I have no right to play the mother card and offer you some pearls of wisdom but I’m going to anyway. Dad used to go on and on about Cliff being a homosexual. I barely knew him so I can’t comment. If he was and you married him just to escape this hellhole, I’m glad he made you happy but happiness isn’t the same as true love. I hope you do find someone you love who loves you in return because it’s a special thing when it happens. If you do, my advice is to love them unreservedly and never let them go. I should have fought for Richard and he should have fought for me because we were meant to be together. We spoke a few times after he bought the land. We made our peace and we both regretted that we’d wasted our lives. I said pearls plural but it’s just the one. It’s a good one, though. I need to go now, Yvonne. I’m so very tired and everything hurts. I’m not afraid of dying but I was afraid of living. I don’t want you to be. Richard died a few years ago and I believe he’s waiting for me. Scatter my ashes where the shepherd’s hut was. He’s there. Please be happy and, even though I know I ask the impossible, please try to find a way to forgive me. I know I never showed it, but I did love you so very much and I’ve always been incredibly proud of you. I should have told you that but… As I say, lots of regrets. One final thing. I hope you still use Mum’s sewing machine. I couldn’t save the piano but at least I could save that for you.’
The tape clicked and then there was static. It really was the end.
‘She’s the one who dropped the sewing machine off,’ I said, tears pooling in my eyes. ‘We thought Dad must have had a change of heart but it was Marianne who did it. She hated going out. That must have been so hard for her.’
‘But she loved you so she did it for you.’
I could barely catch my breath as the tears poured down my cheeks, punctuated by loud cries. Will gathered me to his side and stroked my hair as years of pent-up frustration and feelings of rejection finally had their release.
* * *
I was too churned up to work in the shop after all but, when I tried ringing Paulette to ask if I could take her up on her offer to do her usual Sunday shift after all, I couldn’t get the words out and burst into tears once more. Will took the phone from me and told her that the grief had hit me today and I was worried about breaking down in front of customers.
‘She’ll be here shortly,’ Will said after he ended the call.
‘Thanks for keeping it vague. I will tell her the full story, but it’s too much for now. When I was in the shower, I was wondering whether I’d want to meet Richard. I can’t believe he’s dead too.’
‘Does it upset you?’
I shrugged. ‘I’m struggling so much with the idea that my parents weren’t really my parents, I can’t even begin to get upset about the death of a biological dad I didn’t know existed.’
We sat in silence for several minutes.
‘I should have fought for you,’ Will said.
‘How?’
‘By tracking you down. Yvonne’s not that common a name and I knew you lived in the Lakes. I probably could have found you.’
‘What stopped you?’
‘My own stupid self-doubt. I thought that, after I’d gone, you came to your senses and chose Cliff. I suppose I was too scared to find you and have you confirm that.’
‘It never happened.’
‘I know that now. I know something else too. I asked you whether you’d have left Cliff if you’d found me and you said you weren’t sure.’
‘I’m not.’
Will’s fingers crept into his hair and he began circling it. My stomach clenched. Why was he nervous? Surely he wasn’t going to tell me he couldn’t do this right now or, even worse, ever.
‘What’s going on?’ I asked. ‘You’re worrying me.’
‘When we met and you told me how loyal you felt towards Cliff for everything he’d done for you, I thought I understood but I didn’t. Not really. I do now. I’ve seen what you were fleeing from, I’ve heard it in Marianne’s voice, and I’ve felt it pouring from you. I think that, after we met, you were ready to leave him and I genuinely believe it would have happened if he hadn’t been in that car crash. But after he was hurt, even if we had found each other, I’m convinced that your choice would have been different. You’d have picked him.’
‘Will, I…’ My heart was pounding. I couldn’t deny it. Deep down, I knew he spoke the truth, but what did that mean for us? Was this goodbye?
‘Don’t look so worried,’ he said, taking my hands in his. ‘I’m not angry or disappointed or anything like that. You have such a kind heart, Yvonne. I knew that from the moment I met you and it’s why I fell for you. You love deeply and you’re fiercely loyal to the people you care about. That’s why you stayed. That’s why you never told him about us.’
The tears slipped down my cheeks as I marvelled at how he knew me better than I knew myself.
‘He would have let me go. I only had to say the word, but I couldn’t do it to him. I owed him my sanity… my life.’
‘I realise that now. I understand completely and I think you did the right thing.’
‘You do?’
