‘There has to be a reason.’
I glanced around the carriage. This wasn’t the time or place. ‘Can we talk about it later?’
We spent the rest of the journey staring out the window and drove home from the station in silence, the atmosphere between us unbearably tense.
‘I don’t understand what’s going on with you at the moment,’ Cliff said as we hung up our coats at home.
He followed me into the lounge. ‘Talk to me, Yvonne! You keep saying nothing’s wrong but it has to be.’
He looked at me beseechingly but I couldn’t seem to form any words because I didn’t know what I wanted to say. Did I want out? I wasn’t sure I did but I equally knew we couldn’t continue like this. I didn’t want to take out my frustrations on him because he didn’t deserve it at all, but I was all fired up and I had a feeling I wasn’t going to be able to stop myself.
‘I thought Venice would be perfect,’ he said, the frustration clear in his tone. ‘It’s the sort of place you love – beautiful, historical. One of the most romantic cities in the world.’
That was it! ‘Romantic?’ I practically spat the word out. ‘You really think I’d want to go to one of the most romantic cities in the world with you and our… our… completely unromantic situation?’
His face paled and his body seemed to deflate. ‘You’ve met someone else.’
‘I haven’t.’ But I could feel my cheeks burning.
‘You have. It’s okay.’ His voice was so gentle, so full of understanding and my heart broke for him. ‘I knew it would probably happen one day.’ He sank down onto the sofa. ‘What’s his name?’
I shook my head, tears burning my eyes, guilt consuming me. ‘There isn’t anyone. I promise you.’
‘Then what is it?’
The tears broke free. ‘The possibility of someone. I love you. You know I do, but…’
‘You’re not sure if it’s enough anymore,’ he said when I tailed off.
Next moment, he had his arms around me, comforting me. Where did he find the strength? I’d hurt him but he was the one making me feel better.
Over the next couple of hours, it all tumbled out – everything I’d been thinking and feeling since that unexpected encounter with Brett in the pub and how confused I was about the future. Cliff truly was the best of the best, asking questions, properly listening, empathising.
The following day, when he got home from work, Cliff sat me down at the dining table and presented me with a new proposal.
‘I’ve cancelled Venice. I should have thought about what it symbolised and I’m sorry for being insensitive.’
‘Oh, Cliff, you’re not that. It’s me being overly sensitive, but thank you for cancelling.’
‘You’re welcome. So, we’re not going to Venice, but I do think we need a break. From each other.’
My stomach lurched and I opened my mouth to object, but he shook his head. ‘I’m not saying we should split up. I’m saying you need some time to think and to decide what you want to do next. We already know that’s impossible while you’re here – seeing me every day and working together – so my proposal is that you take the money we would have spent on Venice and go away somewhere by yourself. It’s completely up to you where you go and for how long, but I think it’s important for both of us that you take that time. Do what you want with it. Hide yourself away and craft or read, do some yoga, go out clubbing, kiss a stranger…’
‘Cliff! You can’t?—’
‘Idomean it. Kiss ten strangers, have sex…’
‘Cliff!’ I cried, louder this time. What had got into him?
He took my hand across the table. ‘You need to do whatever it takes to make a decision about whether or not you want to stay married to me because, being completely honest, I’ve found the last few years really tough. I remain fully committed to this marriage. You always have and always will mean everything to me, but I said all along that you were the one making the big sacrifices, not me. If you decide to call time, I’ll make it happen quickly, just as I promised. But if you want to stay, you have to be fully in because I can’t do this again. I can’t live with the dark moods and the arguments, you not talking to me, pushing me away. It’s too painful.’
I nodded, my heart breaking at how much I’d unwittingly hurt him already, without even acting on any of my feelings. I had a question that I was afraid to ask, but knew I had to.
‘If I did walk away – and it’s a hugeif– would we stay friends?’
Cliff squeezed my hand then released it with a sigh. ‘I don’t know. In a perfect world, of course we would, but in a practical world… who knows?’
‘But you’re my best friend. I love you!’
