Chasing a relationship with Marianne
The second section was harder.
What 3 things will you START doing this year?
Living
Loving
I stared at the blank third entry but I couldn’t think of anything to add. There was no point scribbling down an entry to which I wasn’t fully committed. Something might present itself later.
For the third section, I surprised myself by how quickly the answers came.
Which 3 places will you SEE this year?
A new home for me
More of the local area with my new friends
Venice
Seeinga new home for mewritten down, moving seemed so obvious. I’d felt out of place in Mallard Close for a long time but I’d stayed because it was the easy option and, of course, having Betsy next door had helped. The house itself had never captured my heart so why was I staying somewhere I didn’t love, didn’t feel welcome, didn’t want to be anymore?
The second entry about seeing more of the local area was about getting back the active life I used to have with Cliff, but with my friends from Cake & Craft Club instead. They were all on their own too. Surely they’d appreciate the occasional day trip or meal out.
As for Venice… I sighed longingly. That one took me back to Will. I’d told him how I imagined Venice to be the most romantic place in the world and how much I longed to go there. He’d visited with some friends and confirmed that it was as romantic as I believed and had vowed to himself that he’d return one day with someone he loved deeply. Had he found that person? Had he taken her there? And had he thought about me?
Feeling overwhelmed by the memory of my brief but beautiful time with Will, I fixed my gaze on the final section.
Which 3 emotions do you mostly want to FEEL this year?
Love
Happiness
A sense of belonging
Picking up a red biro, I drew a love heart by theloveentry and thelovingone on the second section and coloured them in before turning my gaze back to Cliff’s photo.
‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Is this my year? Am I brave enough to try?’
I flicked through my responses once more, tears welling in my eyes. I had to do this. I had to make it happen otherwise I’d have escaped from one prison thanks to Cliff only to trap myself in another. These were my heart’s desires but I wasn’t going to be able to achieve them all on my own. I was going to need support and encouragement from my four new friends, which meant letting them in.My gut told me that they wouldn’t reject me when they knew the truth about Cliff and me, but it was still a huge leap of faith. A leap I had to take.
13
‘Visitor!’ Trevor called on Sunday morning.
The blinds were only tilted a little and I could see the shape of someone approaching the door but couldn’t see who it was. Seconds later, the doorbell rang. I secured Trevor back in his cage and opened the door tentatively, relaxing when I saw it was Milly.
‘I’d have rung first but I realised we haven’t swapped numbers. I knew roughly where you lived so I’ve been wandering round the streets hoping to spot your car and…’ Her voice cracked and I was alarmed to see tears escaping.
‘What’s happened? Come in.’
She followed me inside and, knowing that Trevor would keep calling, ‘Visitor!’ if we went into the lounge, I led her straight to the kitchen and flicked the kettle on.
‘Sorry,’ she said, wiping her cheeks. ‘I wasn’t expecting to start crying. I came to ask whether you’d like to join me for a carvery at the pub but…’
‘But the thought of having lunch with me was too much to bear and you burst into tears?’
