“It’s just for Sloan,” Shy promised.
They stood in a circle and took hold of one another’s hands. Ellie noticed that Courtney’s hands were shaking, and she gave her a reassuring squeeze.
“God, I’m so triggered right now,” Courtney whispered.“My life is falling apart. It feels like every single brick I’ve laid in my life so far is crashing down around me, and I feel the weight of being buried beneath the mess. I’m so embarrassed. I’ve hidden how James has treated me for so long that I feel like I have to protect him now that the secret is coming out. I’ve been lying for so long that I’ve convinced myself that this is normal. It’s not okay, and I’m not okay. I’m afraid of him, God. I don’t know when it happened, or maybe I’ve always been, but my heart sinks when he walks into a room. I feel like I’m walking through a field of land mines when he’s around. I just don’t want to set him off. I love him, but God, I’m desperate for detachment, and at the same time, I’m terrified to let go. I don’t know what to do. I just know I need help. I know if I stay, I’lldrown. Help me, Lord. Help me allow my friends to help me. Help me allow myself to walk free. I’m in chains, mentally. I’m so stuck, and I just need You to save me. I don’t even need a sign. The signs have been there. I just need the courage to choose me. And I need You to remove my pride, so that I can hear my friends in this moment. We come to You when we need You to guide us as a group. Whatever we say to each other, please place it in Your love. Let it be free of judgment. Let our hearts be open to receive it and strengthen our friendship, God. You didn’t bring us into each other’s lives by mistake. Make sure we are honoring the design You made for this sisterhood. In Your name, I pray, Amen.”
Tears ran down Ellie’s face as she embraced Courtney tightly.
“Come on, Sarah Jakes!” Shy shouted in excitement.
They shared a laugh as they held onto one another, and Ellie was moved to speak next.“I don’t have a whole prayer. I just want to ask God to order my steps. Order them in every aspect of my life, from my friendship with Sloan to every move I’m making with Loyal. To the way I’m raising my girls. I need courage and motion, God. I’ve been in the same spot for so long that I feel like I’ve grown roots. Help push me forward. Help me forgive Sloan.”
“Oh mygodddd,” Shy shouted.“Pause, God,cuz I’m about to gather Your spoiled daughter right quick. Ellie!”
“What?” Ellie defended.
“You’re wrong, friend,” Courtney interjected.“The whole argument tonight with Sloan. You could have handled that better.”
“She lied to me. She broke my rule! She’s sleeping with my brother!”
“Bitch, your brother! Not your man! And you came up with that rule in 6th grade,heffa, let it the fuck go. We get it, but this ain’t no schoolyard crush. These are two grown people with a clear connection. You can feel it between them. Like, these two mu’fuckas can be sitting at a table and there is just so much chemistry it’s sickening. Them hooking up don’t leave you out. You’re still important, Ellie, but to stop Sloan from having this with Cassidy is wrong. To make her feel bad about it is dead-ass wrong. Our girl doesn’t fall easily. She’s guarded and stubborn and mean and anxious, and she’s dead set on following those damn vision boards. She don’t leave no room for spontaneity. She’s detouring for Cassidy, Ellie, and you have to let her. Shit, let them figure it out because as far as I can tell, that nigga loves her right the fuck back.”
Ellie wanted to be mad, but hearing this made her feel a bit of joy for both her friend and her brother.“Fine,” Ellie said simply.
“All that and all you got to say is fine?” Courtney asked, tickled.
“Bitches, I said fine, they ugly selves can have one another,” Ellie stated, rolling her eyes.“They bet not say shit when they break each other’s hearts.”
“And now I guess it’s my turn,” Shy sighed. The girls bowed their heads.“God, give me the courage to live in my truth. I’m creating a whole persona for the world to see because I’m afraid to show who I really am. I don’t have anything figured out. All this stuff is just stuff. It was begged for, borrowed, or stolen. I’m broke. I’ve made so many financial mistakes that it feels like I’m in too deep of a hole to climb out of. My life is all smoke and mirrors. It’s all fake, and I’m praying for self-discovery. I’m praying for self-love. I’m praying for discernment so that I can figure out why I’ve always felt the need to hide who I really am. Give my friends the type of hearts that accept me no matter what. Give my following the empathy to understand why I felt the need to hide. If I strip down and take off this makeup, these clothes, this façade, please let people accept me for who I am. I’m not quite sure what my relationship with You even looks like, if I reveal myself, because my parents threw me away when they found out, and I’ve been hiding who I am ever since. I’m seeking acceptance, God. I’m seeking unconditional love. I’m praying for support. I’m praying for forgiveness.”
“Forgiveness for what, Shy?” Ellie asked. Shy’s confession felt weighted, and Ellie almost guessed Shy’s next words.
“I’m alesbian,” Shy admitted.“And I’m broke, and the white lady who accused me of squatting in this house was telling the truth. I got it on a hook up from one of my homegirls who is a realtor at the company who’s listing it. God, take these crazy looks off my friends’ faces. Amen.”
“Amen.”
Shy ended the recording and then turned to face her friends. Ellie was stunned to speechlessness.
“Say something, bitches,”Shy said. She was so embarrassed that she was turning red.
“I’ve got so many questions,” Courtney blurted.
“I know,” Shy responded.
“So, are you like gaygay, or are you pop a Molly in the strip club and you’re gay on occasiontype gay?” Courtney asked.
“I don’t know,” Shy whispered, eyes misting.
“How long have you known?” Courtney asked.
“I’ve always felt different. Don’t get me wrong, I like dick. I’lltake it, but I love women,” Shy admitted, with a bit of shame in her voice.“I’ve just lived my life so long one way. Like, the world has seen me with rappers and ball players and all these elite men. How do I pop out with a woman?”
“You live in your truth. There’s no shame in loving who you love. We don’t feel no differently about you. I just feel bad that you were carrying this by yourself for so many years. I’m more shocked that your ass is walking around here fronting on me for wearing a Macy’s dress when you broke like I’m broke, ho!” Courtney snapped.
Shy had never felt a larger burden lifted from her shoulders.“I’ve been insufferable. I know,sis. I’m so sorry.” Shy looked over to Ellie.“Ellie, say something.”
“So, I just have one question.” Ellie was perplexed. She had seen Shy rotate men like panties. This new revelation was mind-blowing. She wouldn’t have put a threesome past Shy; in fact, the proposition from Tisa would be just Shy’s style, but to be attracted to women only was wild. Shy had hidden it well, and that saddened Ellie a bit. Still, Shy was one of her best friends, so she had to ask.
“Ask me anything, sis. I just want to be honest with y’all. For once in my life, I can let all this off my chest,” Shy cried out.
