But I didn’t think it would be this cruel.
It takesme a week to tell Camryn what happened. I couldn't bear to let those words cross my lips, as if speaking them into the universe makes them truer than they already are. I tell her in atext message, because it's easier than watching her face process the news. I cannot hold her anguish, too.
Before the day is out, my dad is calling. I answer, taking us both by surprise. I rarely answer his calls these days.
"Hey, hon," he greets, cautious.
"Hi, Dad."
"How are you?"
Half-alive."Fine."
He'd readily swallowed myfinewhen I was growing up, because it was a relief to him to think I didn't need anything. I saw that relief in his eyes, and understood. He needed me to be fine. So I was.
This time, he presses. Maybe it's Lara's presence in his life. Perhaps she has, at long last, awoken him from his selfish stupor. "Cam told me what happened. You're not fine, hon. You couldn't possibly be."
"This is new information to you, but I've already had a week to process."
He sighs. "About that…you've got to start leaning on the people who love you. Let us help you. Why didn't you call me right away?"
Is hehurt? The thought angers me, awakening me from the state of nothingness I've been in for seven days.
And then, for the first time in my life, I say what I'm thinking. My dad-filter is missing,gonelike Gabriel.
"Why would I have calledyou?"
He makes a sound, I can't discern if it's a gasp or a sharp exhale. What's obvious is that he's hurt.Again. And I can't take it.
I hang up and turn off my phone, staring at the black screen.
Well, damn. There it is.
I remember being at the ocean for the first time, standing at the shoreline and feeling awestruck by its power. I pressedmy foot into the wet sand, the surf broke around my ankle, and it struck me that I'd affected the will of the water simply by exerting a tiny bit of force.
My small truth, spoken aloud to my dad for the first time ever, feels like my tentative step into the breaking wave.
And yet, there's no relief to be found. If anything, I feel shittier than I did before he called.
I keep picturing the divorce papers and Gabriel’s signature. I added my own to the document, and our last names matched. We’ve legally parted ways, but we share a last name.
Grabbing my laptop, I typehow to change a last name after divorcein the search bar.
My body aches at the query, but I press on. There is no reason for me to keep Gabriel’s last name.
Avery Burke, here I come.
CHAPTER 27
The next morning,I go to work.
The moment I walk through the door, it's clear I shouldn't be there. Looking around the small reception area, I feel a curl of hatred for the serene blues, comforting light greens, calming ivory. They all make me see red. Don’t get me started on the water sculpture.
Still, I smile at our receptionist, Dawn, and split an apple fritter with Joseph. He’s been careful with me since everything happened. Considerate and kind, but watchful. I insist that I’m fine. I promise him I am exercising, journaling, praying, meditating, that I am doing all the things to help me process my personal life.
I’m not lying to him. Those are all things I’m doing. They’re just not helping the way I wish they would.
My third appointment of the day is when everything goes wrong.
