Gabriel’s conversation floats in and out, but it doesn’t sound as if they’re talking about anything of importance, so I tune them out. I pick up my book and let the world between the pages envelop me.
“Sorry about that,” Gabriel says apologetically, leaning over me to toss his phone into my bag. “It’s on silent now.”
“Is your mom ok?” I bat away my irritation.
“Today is a hard day for her. It’s the anniversary of Nash’s passing. She didn’t say anything, but I know that’s why she called.”
Shit. How did I forget that?
I sit up cross-legged and face Gabriel. “I’m sorry. Somehow I forgot.”
Gabriel hooks his pinky around my pointer finger and rocks my hand gently back and forth. “It’s my fault. I brought you to paradise. Bad things don’t exist here.”
I answer with a lopsided smile. “Do you want to talk about him?” I already know what his answer will be, but it feels important that I offer.
Gabriel flips my hand over and traces the lines in my palm. “Not really.”
“Sometimes it’s good to talk about the people we miss.” I’m treading lightly now, knowing how easy it is to slip into the role of therapist without meaning or wanting to.
Gabriel lies back, capturing his lower lip between two fingers as he considers my offer. I’m shocked he’s thinking about it. Usually he declines, or tells me another time.
Suddenly, he sits upright. “Let’s go in the water.”
He doesn’t wait for my response. He’s already standing up and brushing sand from his shorts.
I do the same. I suppose that’s it for our conversation about those we’ve lost.
The water is warm around my ankles. We walk deeper, and my legs lose shape under the surface. We stop when I’m chest height. The water is smooth, no waves because we’re tucked back in a cove, and small fish dart around my feet.
Gabriel keeps going, and I swim to him, wrapping my arms and legs around him like a koala.
He presses his cheek to the side of my head. I push my nose against his neck and breathe him in. Briny sea mixed with sunscreen, and the inimitable scent of my husband, those pheromones of his that reach deep down inside me.
“Do you remember when you said I should look for a different career once you’re settled in your job?”
My arms around his neck loosen, and I pull back to look at him because this feels like a conversation that needs eye contact. “Yes.”
“What do you think? You seem settled. The practice is successful. You’ve learned the ropes of how to operate a business and still be a therapist.”
I nod slowly, trying not to show my surprise. I’m not surprised at his words or his desire. We’ve talked about this before, and I’ve always wanted him to do something that doesn’t affect him as much as it does. I can’t help but wonder where this is coming from. What did his mom say on the phone? Or not say?
“You should go for it. What would you like to do?”
“I’m actually pretty good at—” he cuts off abruptly, water droplets flying as he shakes his head. “Never mind.”
“What? Tell me.”
Gabriel tips his head up at the nearly cloudless blue sky. “Listen to me, talking crazy. Of course I’m not going to change careers. I have a family to think of.”
“You could though,” I tell him, because I want him to know I’m behind him. Whatever he needs to do, we’ll do. I’ll support us. We’ll make it work. “You could quit as soon as we’re back.” Never mind the mountain of grief he will get from his parents, and what it will mean to his dad to have a son who is no longer a firefighter. We’ll weather that storm, too.
Gabriel grunts a single laugh. “Now who’s talking crazy?” His eyebrows lift, then drop back into place. “It’s all good, Avery. All good. Promise.”
Sadness casts a shadow on the moment. I want Gabriel to have what he wants from life. I want him to stop denying himself. I want him to stop living for Nash, and live for himself.
Gabriel turns us so he faces out of the cove, his view the ocean beyond. I snuggle into his chest. Water laps around us from my movement. His skin is warm, his muscles solid.
Gabriel is quiet, and I wish I could peer inside his head. I can tell he’s holding back.
