I stare at the printed picture with the glossy turquoise water and the woven lounge chairs. I can already feel the warm sand between my toes, even as they’re pressed against our jersey bedsheets. More than that, I feel hope surging in my heart. This could be it. Our chance to turn things around. Maybe we can get back to who we once were. Salt water cures all ills, right?
Gabriel beams with pride at having pulled off this surprise. “We leave in four days.”
A tremor of excitement ripples through me. It’s the first good feeling I’ve had about Gabriel in a while, so I grab ahold of it and let it run rampant. I roll up onto my knees and wave the picture in the air. “I need to go swimsuit shopping,” I yell, bouncing.
Gabriel laughs and tackles me. My legs widen to make room for him to lie between them. He rests his chin between my breasts and gazes at me.
“Six nights, seven days.” His voice drops low, washing over me. “We can do whatever you want. We can lie on a beach chair and not move the entire time. Or we can do a glass-bottom boat. Or a catamaran. Or the market in Castries.”
I run my fingernails over his scalp, and his eyes flutter closed. He loves when I do this. “How about a little of it all?” I ask.
His eyes are still closed. “Sounds perfect.”
“We’ve been saving for a trip like this for a while.”
One eye opens. He knows what I’m getting at. “We have enough.”
I raise my eyebrows. He laughs. “Ok, maybe notenoughenough, but almost enough.”
“Why now? Why not wait until we can pay for it in full?”
Gabriel sighs, his warm breath streaming against my chest. He’s quiet for so long I think maybe he’s not going to answer, but then he says, “I wanted to do something great for you. I know I haven’t been great lately.”
He turns his head to the side and lays it on my chest. I adjust my gaze too, and watch him pick at a piece of lint on our sheets.
It makes me feel bad to watch him feel bad. I rub his back, my knuckles kneading his muscles. “For better or worse, remember?”
“I’d like to spend more time in the better category than we have been.”
How much should I say? How can I tell him it hurts my heart when I kiss him and taste vapors? That I watch him surreptitiously place a hand against a surface to steady himself, or I listen to him speak and try not to wince when he slurs.
He’s not hiding it, per se, because he tells me when he’s meeting his friends for a drink, but it would be hard to form an argument that he isn’t keeping it away from me.
Gabriel rolls off me, but takes me with him. I push up so I’m sitting astride him.
“I love you, baby.” His voice rings with conviction. “With everything I have.”
“I know.” I really do know, but I’ve been considering if there may be other times when something is more powerful than love.
Addiction.
It’s a word I’ve yet to say out loud; I can hardly think it without cringing. “I love you the same way.”
“No more meeting the guys when we’re off-shift. I’m going to stop drinking.” Gabriel takes my hands and holds them between us. “That’s what this trip is. It’s my promise to you.” The setting sun sends hot pinks and fiery oranges streaming through our window, lighting up Gabriel’s face.
I’m both taken aback and encouraged that he’s the one who brought it up. And that confidence in his voice? It’s in his eyes, the set of his cheekbones, it forms a halo around him. He means every word.
“I don’t doubt you will.” My voice holds all my confidence, too. Relief washes through me, and it isn’t until I’m submerged that I realize how worried I’ve been. How lonely. Survival mode pushed those feelings aside.
His head falls into the pillow, and he speaks to the ceiling. “You know this is going to be our best trip ever, right?”
“I’m certain of it.” I glance at the brochure, rumpled now from where I laid on it when Gabriel tackled me. We only need to get there, to the white sand and blue water. Everything will be better after that.
Gabriel’s standingat the airport desk, talking to the employee at our gate. Our plane departs in one hour, and I’m waiting for Gabriel so we can go into the little store by the restrooms. I need candy and a magazine for the flight.
I'm not sure why he's talking to her. He'd been sitting beside me when he squeezed my hand, whispered he’d be right back, and walked away.
He’s turning around now, looking at me and smiling. The attendant does the same, adding a small wave. My automatic response is to mirror her.
