“Funny how that happens, huh?”
“Have you ever thought about stopping?”
“Yes.”
“What would you do instead?”
“I’m not sure.” Exhaustion has settled around his eyes. “I’m not trained for anything else. I have a degree in fire science.”
“You could start over. You could do whatever you want to do.”
“Not now. Not with you getting ready to work three thousand unpaid hours. We need to pay bills.”
I see the wisdom in his words, even though it pains me to acknowledge them. I want him to be happy. His needs are important, too. “Promise me you’ll think about it when I’m settled in my career. When I’m earning money. Promise?”
He nods. “I promise, baby.”
He says nothing more after that. I hold him until he falls asleep.
Gabriel doesn’t mentionNash the next day.
As far as reasons for not drinking go, Gabriel’s reason feels relatively mild. It could’ve been far worse than drinking too much as a teenager. What happened to Nash was tragic, but Gabriel did not cause it.
We go for a hike. We read books beside one another, our toes dipping in the turquoise pool. Gabriel assembles sandwiches for lunch while I’m on the phone, making dinner reservations. I toss my phone on the outdoor table when I’m done, then turn around to tell Gabriel what time we need to leave for the restaurant.
Gabriel is on one knee, beside the pool. He wears swim trunks, a bright smile, and hopeful eyes.
Air floods my throat as I gasp. My cupped hand slams over my mouth, quivering against my lips. Rocketing heartbeat, pulse pounding, weightless limbs. It’s the whole nine for me, a full-scale physical response.
“Gabriel,” I breathe his name as I step closer.
He takes my left hand, ring poised at my fingertip. The small diamond glints brilliantly in the sunshine. “A Verybig question I’m asking of you. Will you marry me?”
“Yes,” I say, and it’s almost a sob. I can’t wait. I want to do it all, this very minute. I want to be his wife, take his name, join our lives.
Gabriel slides the ring down, where I know it will stay until we’re old. Then he stands, tucking me into that broad chest I love so desperately, and carries me to the lounge bed in the shade.
This time, when he enters me, I am not twice the person I was. I am infinite, my life exploding, the universe opening up for me. Everything is right there, ripe and bursting, waiting to be plucked.
Joy has never had a flavor, until now.
It tastes like Gabriel.
SESSION NINE
DESERT FLOWER THERAPY
“So he tells you the full story, and you get engaged. Sounds like a successful vacation.”
I nod, quiet. My mind is stuck in a time that feels a million years ago. I think my heart is back there, too.
“Now we’re up to your engagement,” Dr. Ruben says, urging me to keep going.
“We didn’t wait long to get married. Six months. I’d spent so much of my life taking care of Cam and playing house in a home that wasn’t really mine, and I couldn’t wait to make a life with Gabriel. To really be the woman of the house, not just occupy the shadow of the person I was filling in for. I’d been an adult for a while by then, but I felt grown-up wearing my engagement ring and coming home to Gabriel every day. My dad was right when he called me an adult child.”
Dr. Ruben steeples his hands, resting his chin on his fingertips. “You know how inappropriate that was, don’t you?”
“For my dad to call me an adult child?”
