“I’m asking why you made Gabriel your home.”
My head shakes. “No, you’re not. You want me to realize I was codependent. Fine.” I hold my arms out to the side and blow out a breath. “I was codependent. I shouldn’t have made Gabriel the end-all be-all when it came to my happiness.”
Dr. Ruben taps the end of his nose with his fingertip three times. “Bingo. Now let’s take it a little further. Why did you make him the end-all be-all when it came to your happiness?”
I know this answer. It’s buried down deep, beneath layers of hurt where I don’t have to look at it too closely. “Because my happiness was not prioritized after my mom died. And I found someone who would make me a priority.”
Dr. Ruben squints and beats back a grin. “There you have it.”
“Let me guess. I’m in control of my happiness, no matter what anyone else says or does.”
Dr. Ruben opens his arms, the silvery hair on his forearm glinting in the overhead light.
He doesn’t say a word, but the motion speaks for itself.Connection made!
“Honestly, Dr. Ruben, why am I even here anymore? I can do this myself.”
He looks at me pointedly. “You know why you’re here.”
Shame hits me square in the chest. I’m not proud of what happened.
Silence descends, and I know he’s waiting for me to speak. I sit back, running my finger along a seam in the couch cushion. “Have you ever been married?”
I’ve noticed his ring finger is bare, but maybe he has a life partner. Maybe he’s been married four times and given up on the idea of finding his soul mate. Or, maybe he doesn’t believe in the institution.
“I was married once.”
“But not anymore?”
He shakes his head, and says no more. It piques my curiosity, but I know better than to push. Especially since this session is supposed to be about me.
“The last time you were here, we talked about you and Gabriel moving in together. Let’s pick up there.”
My mind dips into my memories, and even though it hurts, I smile. For me, there is very little happiness that exists without pain when it comes to Gabriel. “My dad married Lara, and Gabriel came with me to the wedding. Everyone loved him. Even more, they loved how we met. My dad told the story to anybody who would listen. It was like we were extra special because of how we met, and it made him extra special in a third-party way. Cool by association.”
“Did this bother you?”
“Yes, but it didn’t surprise me. My dad enjoys attention.”
Dr. Ruben motions for me to continue.
“I graduated. There was a month between graduation and when I started my clinical hours. Gabriel surprised me with a trip to his grandparent’s place in Palm Springs.” Wistfulness pokes at my chest. This is the easy part to tell. Soaring, head over heels, with no desire to ever stop. It is the best, most beautiful part of our story.
The part where we crashed will be much harder to talk about.
CHAPTER 11
I gazeat Gabriel’s profile as he steers us west, away from Phoenix. His right hand alternates between gripping the wheel, and reaching for my hand to hold. Or brushing aside my hair and massaging my neck. Or running the backs of two fingers down my arm. Everything about him screams loving and capable, attentive and alert. I’ve been alive for twenty-three years, but it isn’t until Gabriel that I feel awakened. To life, to love, to possibility. Six months with this man and I’m already a better version of myself.
Gabriel drives on, and the hours stack up. We’re at four now. Palm Springs is our destination.
“Almost there,” he says, winking at me. He taps his thigh in anticipation. I think he is as excited as me.
He follows the directions on his phone, but he drives like he knows where he’s going.
“Are you ok with getting groceries later?” Gabriel asks, turning the wheel. “Right now, I just want to get there.” He gives me a look, lust darkening his already dark eyes, and my thighs clench. I can’t imagine a time when he no longer looks at me that way as often as he does now. Maybe we will be the lucky ones,the chosen two. We will always be this in love, want one another this much.
The road straightens out, and Gabriel pulls up to a house. It’s retro, made of white stucco with a kelly green front door. Dew clings to thick blades of grass, and fuchsia bougainvillea leaves tumble across the sidewalk with the breeze.
