My heart slams against my breastbone. “You think you deserve it now?”
His head shakes. “I will endeavor to deserve it. I will work to deserve it, always.”
I take back my left hand, swiping at a lone tear. Light catches my ring, sending colorful prisms onto the wall.
“You’re my wife,” he chokes out. Moisture gathers in his eyes.
My eyes tighten, too. “You know I’m not.”
I thought we’d traveled difficult terrain in Sugar Creek, but it was just the surface. There is hurt to wade through on both sides of the answer. I lower my hands from my face. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say your truth. What else is left? What more is there to lose?” His defeated posture makes me want to cry.
I stare into his eyes as the memories trip past my brain on a slideshow. “We were good, Gabriel. God, we were good.” My voice quakes with my conviction. “We were beautiful, until we were tragic. I can’t see how the hell we’re supposed to come back from that.” I palm my chest, my heartbeats pushing against my bones. “I want to, more than anything. But what if there’s too much damage? Sometimes, things can’t be fixed, and you have to let go.”
“Time,” he pleads. “Time is how we come back from that. Right now I have nothing but words. Words and promises.” I’m already shaking my head in response, but he’s nodding, as if he can cancel out my refusal. “Give me time to show you that it will never happen again, because now I understand what drew me to it. I don't need to escape, because all I want is right in front of me. I wouldn't trade this feeling of belonging, of being right in the world, for anything. Ever. You don't have to say you believe me right now. I don't need you to. All you have to do is say you believe me”—he jabs a stiff finger at the ground—“today. And say it again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. The days will turn into weeks, the weeks into months, and then it will be years. I will spend every moment for the rest of my life proving it to you over and over, day in and day out. You’re goingto see it in the tiny moments when nobody is looking. You’re going to see it when all eyes are on us.”
He gulps air, and continues. “Remember in your book, you talked about irrevocable shifts? The accident, the DUI, prison, all of it, those were irrevocable shifts. Trauma that alters brain chemistry. Alcoholism could have killed me, and it nearly ruined my life. It’s poison to me, Avery. Poison. I want nothing to do with it, ever. Not just for you. For me, too.”
I want to believe him. I want him to be right. I want a crystal ball, so I can peer into the future and know the outcome. “I’m not sure if giving us another chance would be the most indulgent thing I’ve ever done for myself, or the dumbest. I love you. To this day.” I stab the air with a pointed finger as I speak. “To this very moment. I never stopped loving you, even when I moved on from you.” My hand drops. “But how foolish would I be if I just accepted your words? I cannot skip off into the sunset with you. The sunset might be a mirage, Gabriel.”
He presses a fist to his lips, pushing until his lips lose color. He breathes deeply through his nose and removes his hand, his lips blooming pink as the blood refills. Tears shine in his eyes.
I want to hold him, to soothe him, so desperately. I don't though, because that won't help us. My job now is to tell my truth, even when it hurts us both. “I know it’s easy to look at what went wrong in our relationship and see the headlines. But there’s more to it than that. I walked on pins and needles for months, never knowing if you’d be drunk or sober when you came home. Do you know what that does to a person’s mental state? All the lies I had to tell, to keep your image intact? I lied to people I love. I lied to myself. And I was lonely. So fucking lonely.”
“I will be sorry for the rest of my life.” Gabriel leans closer, planting a soft kiss against the side of my head. “I believe, with everything in me, that there is goodness ahead of us. That we aremeant for a new beginning. What we had before, we can have again. I do not doubt my ability to treat you and our marriage like precious gifts. I only need one chance.” He pulls away from my head and stares deeply into my eyes. Into my soul. “I will not let you down.”
I blink away the moisture in my eyes, soaking in all of his earnest words and his conviction like a Gabriel-soluble sponge. “I need to think about all this.”
His gaze is long and meaningful. “I’ll be at my parent’s house.”
“You’re not going back to Sugar Creek?”
“Not yet.” He strides to the front door, still fully visible from the kitchen. He opens the door, then turns back. “You don’t trust me with your heart right now, and that’s understandable. But I trust me. Nobody will hold me to a standard higher than the one I’ll hold for myself.”
He steps out the door and closes it behind him.
CHAPTER 24
AVERY
I’ve spentall morning getting ready for today’s gathering. I’d planned to assemble thank-you gifts last night, but after Gabriel left I sat on the couch and stared at the wall for a solid hour. Then I went to bed and woke up throughout the night, the strength of Gabriel’s words reverberating through my mind and pulling me from sleep. Finally I got up, finished putting together the thank-you bags around four a.m., then found a few more hours of fitful sleep.
I look and feel like a zombie, but I’ve plastered on a cheery disposition and smoothed a truckload of concealer under my eyes.
Cam is supposed to stay away from Gem today. I want her to walk in with Dani so they can experience the surprise together. Considering she’s just peeked her head out the back door, I guess that’s not happening. She sticks out her tongue when she catches my exasperated look.
“I know, I know,” she calls, watching me arrange vases and candy jars of varying heights. “I just wanted to see if you need help.”
“No, you didn’t,” I respond, and she laughs.
“Ok, fine, I’m making sure you’re alright.”
I stop what I’m doing. “Why wouldn’t I be alright?”
“Well, Gabriel’s in town, so?—”
“So you tripped and fell and my address came tumbling out of your mouth.”
