Tears well up in her eyes, but they don’t deter me. She’ll be ok if she hears my truth. If Avery can do it, I can too.
“I’m not Nash.” My hands tuck into my pockets, and my shoulders wind up, hovering near my ears. “I’ve tried, but I’ll never be the person he was going to be. I can only be me. If you don’t want to accept that, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Gabriel,” my dad starts, the admonishing tone light but still present. “We never?—”
“Yes, you did. Nash was the one who was going to follow in your footsteps. He was going to be the son you could brag about. Then he died, and I tried to fill his shoes. It was wrong of me to do it, and it was wrong of you to let me.” I gesture around at the room. “This is me. This is what I love to do. I am still recovering from the worst choice of my life, but I’m getting there. I’m done trying to give you the son you lost.” I point at myself. “I’m the son you have.”
One loud sob escapes my mom. She covers it quickly, and my dad grabs her, pulling her in. He kisses the side of her head, whispering, “It’s ok, Corinne,” in her ear.
I feel bad. Not because I’ve hurt her, but because she still can’t hear Nash’s name without losing it. I turn for the door. My parents can see themselves out.
“Gabriel,” my mother says when I’m halfway there. I stop, but I don’t turn around. I look down at my shoes, the laces blurring. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish there wasn’t a little boy living inside me, wanting only for his parents to love him for who he is.
She touches my shoulder, stepping in front of me. I’m bigger than her, and taller than her, but she folds me into her body like I’m a child again. “I’m sorry,” she says. She says it two more times, her voice a whisper. I close my eyes, and then there’s a palm on my back. My dad. It’s the only form of apology he’s capable of.
“We love you, Gabriel. We love the person you are. We don’t need you to be”—she gulps—“Nash. Just be yourself from now on.”
They hug me again after that. I catch movement from the sliver of Joel’s office window that’s visible from here.
“We’d better get going,” my dad says, voice gruff.
I walk them out to the RV they’ve rented for their road trip. My heart feels lighter, though I know better than to think a few words can sweep away years of hurt. All journeys begin with a single step, and that was ours.
“I’m driving down to the valley next week to deliver that arch.” We stop in front of the vehicle. “It’s for Camryn. Avery’s sister.”
Mom’s eyes light up. “Is that right? Do you think you’ll get to see Avery?”
“Maybe.” A flicker of hope swells in my chest.
“You should try,” she says, nodding quickly, “I mean, if you want to. If you think that’s what is best for you.”
I try not to smile at her attempt to stay out of my business. “We’ll see. Enjoy your trip.”
She hugs me goodbye and goes around to the passenger side. My dad waits for her to be out of earshot, then says, “If you want to leave your relationship with Avery in the past, that’s your business. But if you don’t…” He lays a heavy hand on my shoulder. “Don’t let anything stop you from going after what you want. You deserve to be happy. Whatever that means for you.”
I nod once, swallowing back my emotion. My first non-fire related piece of advice from my dad. Better late than never.
“One more thing,” he says, patting my shoulder. “I wasn’t sure if I should tell you this, but a bunch of the old crew is getting together to honor Ryan. They’re doing Pat’s Run. Matching shirts, all that. They asked about you. Told me to invite you.”
“I’ll consider it.” Am I ready for all that? To see the guys again?
He climbs into the large vehicle, and with a last wave from my mom, they lumber down the road.
CHAPTER 21
AVERY
The way it was.
My lips on yours.
Your hand in mine.
I thought we were fine.
Fine isn’t what we were.
I broke us.
