It’s not that I don’t want to see her. The opposite, actually. I’m dying to hold her again. Feel the melody of her pulse as I press a kiss to her neck.
It’s just that… Well, I don’t know. I’m struggling to put into words how I feel. It’s a heady mixture, this self-doubt and shame, and its shadow reaches far. Without Avery here to look at me like I’m her hero, her man, her soulmate, it’s more difficult to trust I am those things.
Joel tucks his hands in his khakis. “I can’t help noticing how different you’ve been recently. Are you all right?”
I tug the heavy canvas over the wood. “I’ve had a lot on my mind.”
Joel nods. “Yep.”
I haven’t told anybody about what happened with Avery, and it’s starting to get to me. “Avery left a couple weeks ago, and I haven’t talked to her since. It’s almost like it didn’t happen. Like I dreamed it.” I’ve picked up my phone a hundred times, hoping to see a message from her. I haven’t reached out to her because I’m trying to give her space. I’m not quite sure what exactly I’m giving her space to do, but it feels like the right choice. I’m terrified if I push, I’ll lose her. I’m scared if I don’t push enough, I’ll lose her.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Joel says.
I shrug. “I don’t know what I expected. We’re divorced. I’m the reason for everything. It’s all on me.” Avery believes she contributed to what happened, and it’s not that I think she’s completely wrong, but I don’t know that she’s right either. Can a person be culpable and innocent at the same time?
“Why don’t you go back to Phoenix?”
I rub the nape of my neck. “My work is here.”
“No, it isn’t.”
I look around at all the pieces I’m working on. My hands have been on at least half of the pieces in this room. “Unless I dreamed this place too, I think this is where I work.”
Joel guffaws. “Gabriel, this is a rung on a ladder. A stop along your path. Do you really believe Sugar Creek is where you’ll make your home?”
“It seems as good as any other place. Better, really. I have a place to stay, and a job. That’s more than I have anywhere else. More than I can ask for.”
“What about all your friends?”
Friends… My crew tried. They called, they texted, a few of them stopped by when they heard I got out. I didn’t answer calls,I ignored texts, and I was already on my way to Sugar Creek when they showed up at my house. I felt bad, but what was there to say? They’d tell me what’s new in their lives, and then what? How was I supposed to respond? Tell them what it’s like to be alone with your thoughts until they drive you crazy, until you’re consumed with everything you did wrong in your life, and you pray for the chance to make it up to the people you love the most?
Sometimes I wonder if any of it would’ve happened if it weren’t for Ryan dying. There’s no way to know, but my best guess isyes. I was a tinderbox. Ryan was the accelerant. The fire came in the form of tiny sparks accumulated over years.
I shake my head at Joel. “I don’t have friends anymore.”
Joel presses on. “What about your parents?”
I shrug and look away. They love me, but I don’t think they like me. Nash never would’ve disappointed them the way I have.
“What”—Joel pauses, placing a hand on my shoulder and compelling me to look at him—“about Avery?”
I shake my head. “Maybe I should look at the two weeks Avery was here as an unexpected gift. As closure.” My throat tightens on the word.Closure. It’s the last thing I want from her.
One side of Joel’s mouth turns down, and he looks like he feels bad for me. “Can I make one suggestion?”
“Please.”
“There’s a lot more life out there for you. Don’t hold yourself back because you think you don’t deserve more. If you’re not careful, you’ll become your own jailor.”
Joel releases me, stepping back to give me space. He eyes me for a few more seconds, then slips his hands in his pockets and returns to his office.
For the rest of the day, Joel’s words play on in my head.You think you don’t deserve more…you’ll become your own jailor…
In prison, I spent a lot of time going over it all in my head. I started at the end, and went backward, step by step. The further I went, the more patterns and truths emerged. Those steps all converged, until they ended at the same destination.
It all goes back to Nash.
“Surprise!”
