I’m not sure what to say. Hudson may not have been permanent, but he was important. To my heart, and my growth as a human. I can’t deny that.
It’s my turn, so I flip over my next card.
“So, Hudson, huh? The guy from your book.” Gabriel’s tone has lost all warmth. “Is that his real name?”
“Yes.” I’m trying not to like his jealous tone, but it’s useless. I do. I like it very much.
“Is he the man I saw you with that day? At the restaurant?” Gabriel lays down a seven.
“Yes.” I flip over my next card. A seven. Time to battle. I lay out three cards. Gabriel does the same. Neither of us lays a fourth card, the way we’re supposed to. Gabriel stares at me.
“You cared for another man.” He sounds heartbroken and indignant, but it’s an empty indignation. Like he knows it’s true, but still can’t believe it.
I stare back at him. “You let me go, remember? You weren’t my husband when I met Hudson. You aren’t my husband now.”
Gabriel’s lower lip tugs with an emotion I can’t name. “You’re always going to be mine, Avery. I’m always going to be yours. I don’t need a piece of paper or a ring to tell me that.” He taps two fingers over his heart. “It’s in here.”
I can’t wrap my brain around his words. His facial expression. It sets loose a roller coaster of emotions in me. Buried amongst it all is a twinge of pleasure.
“Then why? Why give me up? If I’m always going to be yours, why let me go at all?”
Gabriel flips over his next card and lays it down. A queen. “Where is Hudson now?”
I flinch at his subject change. “I’m not sure.”
“You’re not together?”
“He broke up with me. He said he needed space.” Hudson was right to protect himself. If he was sick of competing with a ghost, how would he feel knowing the ghost took human form?
“What did he need space from?” Gabriel's upper lip curls, his tone communicating how little he already thinks of Hudson.
“My…” I search for the right word. It’s not easy. “Preoccupation.”
“With what? Writing?”
I swallow the boulder in my throat, shaking my head back and forth and lifting my gaze to meet his.
Gabriel nods slowly, understanding. I proceed with the game, flipping over a fourth card.
An ace.
Gabriel pushes all the cards my way. “You win.”
It’s an interesting word, considering we’ve both been losers for years. “There isn’t a winner.” I sound bitter. I feel bitter.
The muscles in Gabriel’s jaw clench. “When are you going to let yourself be mad at me?”
I frown. “Of course I’m mad at you. I’ve never not been mad at you.”
Gabriel shakes his head. “I don’t just mean angry with me and my choices. I mean irate. Red-hot, fucking fury.”
I know what he means. I felt it. When I found him passed out drunk in St. Lucia. When I got the call about his accident.When he divorced me without laying eyes on me. The fury filled my organs, spread throughout my body and singed my veins. I’d pushed it away, because I didn’t want to feel it. Didn’t want to feel something so powerful and ugly toward someone I loved more than myself.
Shouldn’t he be grateful I haven’t acted on this feeling? “Why do you want me to hate you? To be irate?”
Gabriel pushes up his sleeves, eyebrows drawn like he’s trying to work out what he wants to say. “You used to look at me like I was a hero. Like you knew I could keep you safe. Your human shield. From bad guys, from pain. Then the look in your eyes changed. I was the one causing you pain. And you pitied me. I wanted your anger, your hatred, even disgust with the way I was acting. Anything but your pity. I couldn’t take it. Your compassion was suffocating, because I didn’t deserve it.”
“My compassion suffocated you?” How can a person’s mercy and kindness suffocate someone?
