Renee and I make small talk while my dad fixes my plate. My indifference to her isn't going to change tonight, but I'll make an effort in the future. I know more now about why he chose her.
They turn their attention to the nightly news while I eat. When I'm done, Renee takes my plate and I thank her. She tells my dad she'll clean up the kitchen. Maybe their deal is that whoever cooks, the other cleans the mess. Or maybe she's giving us time together.
Dad leads me out back. The night is cool. His next-door neighbor is on the phone in their backyard, arguing with someone about something.
It makes me miss Jessie's cabin. I’d never experienced true silence until I sat outside her place.
My dad adjusts himself in his chair. "I don't think my pasta with meat sauce was worth a six-hour drive, Sawyer."
I huff a laugh. "No, it wasn't. No offense."
He holds up his hands. "None taken. Why don't you tell me why you're really here?"
I lean forward in my chair, hands grasped in the space between my knees. "I put the beach house on the market today."
He's quiet for a beat, then says, "That must've been hard."
"It was. But it was necessary."
"Necessary to what?"
I take a deep breath. "Moving on. Something you know a little about."
An empty chuckle rumbles in his throat. "I sure do. I learn a little more about it every day, too. It's not over for me. My guess is that it won't ever be over for you, either. When you truly love someone, I don't think youget overthem. You simply add them to your heart and keep going. Brea will always be a part of you and your life experience. You don't have to forget her or get over her. But you do need to move forward. Stagnation isn't good for anybody."
"I moved forward with Jessie Hayden." Just saying her name makes me want to hold her in my arms, brush her hair back from her face, kiss the scar on her jaw. "I fell in love with her, even though it confused the hell out of me. It was like it couldn't be stopped."
"Then what the hell are you doing here?"
I shake my head. "Star-crossed lovers, I suppose. A small-town version of Romeo and Juliet."
Dad clears his throat. "That's a cop-out."
My lips turn down at his bluntness. “How am I supposed to be with her now? Mom cheated with Jessie's dad. Momdiedon the road that leads to town from the HCC. She must've been driving away from Beau. Why else would she be on that road?" My voice catches.
Dad shakes his head slowly. “In life, there are truths we don't get to know. I don't know many details about that day either. I can assume she was driving away from Beau, but I have no way of knowing for sure. And I've had to make peace with that. If you focus on all you don't know, it will consume you."
“I don’t know how you lived through all this, Dad.” It makes me look at him in a new way.
"As betrayed as I felt, I also knew I wasn't being a good husband. Or even a good person, for that matter. Your mom and I followed a wild hair when we bought that ranch, and I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I made a lot of mistakes and my pride kept me from owning up to them. I wasn't man enough to admit my limitations, or learn. It took its toll on my marriage. These aren't excuses for what your mom did. Just reasons." He blows out a heavy breath. "I don't want you thinking she was a bad person. Everyone is fallible, given the right set of circumstances."
"That's depressing."
He shrugs. "It depends on how you choose to see it. It can either be depressing, or it can be freeing. As soon as you allow someone to be human and make a mistake, you free yourself from expecting perfection."
I feel his gaze on me, so I look him in the eye.
"What about you, Sawyer? Will you let mistakes made decades ago determine your happiness today?"
Renee pokes her head out of the back door. "Hon, I'm going to sleep. Sawyer, it was nice to see you."
I smile at her and nod. My dad gets up, then looks down at me. "You're welcome to the guest room as long as you need.”
I thank him and take him up on his offer. It’ll take a bit of time to get the house sold and the papers signed. I have no idea what I’ll do after that. Maybe, for right now, I should just take everything one day, one step, one breath at a time.
I take a shower and get ready for bed. When I lie down, I see Jessie. I close my eyes and remember her scent, my hands winding through her silky soft hair, her mischievous grin. There’s so much about her I love.
Loved.
