“Your father and I feel like we lost your sister a long time ago. We don’t want to lose you, either. If you’re going to make Lennon and Finn a part of your life again, then we’ll have to accept it.”
I nod and agree to extend the invitation. On my drive to Lennon’s house, I think about my mother’s words, saying I’m making Lennon and Finn a part of my lifeagain. What I didn’t tell her was that Lennon and Finn were always a part of my life. Sure, we went separate ways after that last summer. Although we kept in touch over the years, we haven’t seen each other. Except that one time I went to Dallas... I’ve never been able to shake that night. The feel of Lennon’s skin, so warm under my fingertips. Her inhales, coming so close to one another. My lips did not touch her, or any other part of her body, and that’s only because I was waiting for her signal. She had to do it. She had to be the one to say okay.
But she didn’t. Because she loves Finn, too.
I asked her if Finn ever touched her like that, because I had to know. I always wondered. Finn is so different from me, so charming. He’s a scrapper, a fighter. He knows what he wants, and he goes after it. Hunger makes people more determined, and Finn was hungry for Lennon. He still is.
I know the two of them have things in common she and I don’t. I can’t relate to Lennon the way he does. But I can love her even more than him. I know I can.
I was embarrassed when I left her apartment that night in Dallas, but relieved.
Finally, after all those years, I apologized for choosing my private school friends over her.
13
Then
“Areyou sure Brady wants us to come?”
I bite my lip and think about the expression on Brady’s face when he invited us. He seemed open to bringing us into the fold with his private school friends, but was it genuine?
Finn rolls his eyes. “Yes, Lennon. Why do you keep asking?”
I glare at him. “Because,Finn, we’re not exactly the type to hang out with the Trinity Prep kids.”
Finn shrugs, but I see underneath his bravado. I see the apprehensive little boy under there, the dusty trailer park peeking through. Neither of us belong at a Trinity Prep party.And yet. We’ve been invited to one. Maybe because it’s April, nearly the end of high school.
This is the first time Brady’s two lives will meet. During the day he has his school friends, his teammates, and whoever else he spends his time with. I wouldn’t know, because he’s kept us separate. At night, that’s when we get Brady back. We usually meet at my house. It’s neutral territory, and the truth is, none of us want to spend time at Finn’s.
It’s fitting that Brady sees us in the dark, because that is precisely where we’re kept.
Until tonight. Brady is throwing a party at his house. His parents are out of town, visiting his sister at college. I don’t even know how they managed to pull that one off. There’s no way Stephanie could’ve gone to college without Brady’s dad pulling strings. I’m curious to know which strings he pulled, but that’s a question that will remain unanswered.
“What are you wearing tonight?” My eyes move over Finn’s current outfit. Trinity kids will melt into puddles of Lacoste polos if Finn shows up in ripped board shorts and a muscle shirt.
Finn looks down at himself, then back up at me. “This.”
I give him a look.
“What?”
“You know you can’t wear something like that to Brady’s party.”
“It’s my Sunday best,” Finn says, puffing out his chest.
Despite my growing irritation, I can’t help but smile. Finn always makes me smile.
I survey the contents of my closet. Behind me, the bed creaks as Finn sits down. If my mom and stepdad knew I had a boy in my room, they would lose their minds. They shouldn’t find out though; tonight they’re at the church, leading a couples Bible study.
I capture the sleeve of a T-shirt between my fingers, fingering the soft fabric, and think about what it would be like to burst into that Bible study and tell everyone the truth. My mother is not the saint they think she is. She’s told them all a story, led them to believe that she was a struggling single mother until she met the doting, god-fearing man she always hoped God would bring into her life.And at that moment, I knew,she’ll say, looking around earnestly at the enraptured faces,I saw God’s plan for my life.
What would happen if I walked in and told them all about our rotating front door? The different men who came to our apartment, some barely sparing me a glance on their way back to her bedroom. I was young, and I couldn’t make sense of the noises I heard. And I never went back to check, not after that first time. I knocked, and the man answered her bedroom door. His poochy belly hung over his underwear, hair curled over his chest and he had an angry look on his face.What the fuck do you want?he’d demanded. I turned and ran to my bedroom, curling up on my bed and putting a pillow over my head.
So excuse me for not buying her holier than thou, godly wife act. My stepfather came to the door just like the rest of them, but instead of coming in, he took my mom out. She got a babysitter for me, a part of the charade.See how I’m a good single-mom?
He came back, over and over, until one day my mom came home with a small sparkly diamond on her finger. My mom told me we’d move in with him after they were married, and that from now on I’d be going to church. I was excited, because I figured anything,anything, was better than what we’d been doing. And maybe, if my mom was married and happy, she’d be nicer.
I was wrong.
