“Don’t you ever speak to me that way again.” She runs her hands down the front of her sensible, knee-length skirt, smoothing away wrinkles that aren’t there. Her lips shake, and her eyes bulge.
For the next three seconds, we stare each other down, and I break first. Walking to my room, I hurry and shut the door behind me. I stand in front of the mirror above my dresser, lifting my numb hand to my stinging cheek. As frustrating as Finn and Brady and their silly rivalry can be, I wish I were still with them. They are my family.
9
Now
My phone isheavy in my hand. I stare down at it, at the words on the screen.
Want to come over for a swim?
Brady’s question is so innocent, and yet it carries with it the possibility of being not so innocent. A swim is a swim, until it’s not. Until we look at each other for too long, until we sit for too long in the same memory.
Sure, I write back, because there is no way I’m not going. Then, I send a second message.Should we invite Finn?
Already did, Brady responds.
I sigh and close my eyes. As long as the three of us are together, it’s safe. It’s when I'm on my own with either one of them that things become dangerous. Like when Finn kissed me yesterday. We both know he shouldn’t have done that. As much as it surprises me, I suppose on some level I was expecting it. And on another, even deeper level, I liked it.
I didn’t think to pack a swimsuit, but I’m hoping I’ll find one in my drawer. My mother left my room the way it was before, so maybe that extends to my drawers too.
A few second into my search I find that I am in luck. There are four bathing suits; three modest one-pieces, all chosen by my mother, and the cherry red bikini I bought with my own money.
I reach for the bikini, pulling it from the drawer and dangling it in front of me. If my mom had known about its existence, it would’ve met a quick fate in a trashcan. I kept it a secret, stealthily shoving it in the bottom of my backpack while donning the matronly one-piece. I changed whenever I got where I was going: usually it was a public restroom, a friend’s house, and once, behind a neighbor’s shed while Brady turned his back and kept lookout.
Stripping off my clothes, I slide the bottoms up my body and thread my arms into the straps, tying it in the back. When I look in the mirror, I feel young again. Ilookyoung again. Squeezing my eyes shut tight, I go back tobefore, to a time when my biggest complaint was that my mother was mean. At the time, it felt like everything, like there was nothing worse than her narcissistic mind games. Only a short time later, I learned how wrong I was.
Back then, when I wore this bikini, I was just a girl with two best friends and endless possibilities.
I open my eyes and smile, one thought reverberating through my mind: I am still her. I am still a girl with two best friends and endless possibilities.
Slipping on my T-shirt and shorts, I gather my purse and sunglasses. On my way to Brady’s, I make a stop and pick up sunscreen and beer.
This bikini might make me feel young again, but now I’m old enough to buy alcohol, and I have been for a long time.
* * *
Brady’s house is oversized,bordering on ostentatious. Built by a developer who didn’t want his community to look like the rest of Agua Mesa, he snubbed the traditional stucco for red brick and gray clapboard siding, making it seem as though the homes were plucked from Nantucket and dropped in the sunny desert.
Parking my car in the long driveway, I climb out and pause with my hand on the car door, watching Brady stride toward me across the neatly trimmed grass lawn. He’s wearing royal blue swim trunks and a white button-up embroidered with tiny palm trees. The shirt hugs his biceps, a reminder that although he works long hours, he manages to stay fit. Does he have someone to stay fit for? Is that why? He hasn’t said anything, but still… The thought makes my belly burn in an uncomfortable way.
Which makes me realize none of us has broached the subject of significant others. Does Brady have one? Does Finn? Yesterday’s kiss tells me nothing. The Finn I remember didn’t care if he had a girlfriend, he’d kiss me anyway. The girls he dated weren’t serious; if he’d had a serious girlfriend, that would’ve stopped him. It may even have stopped him from being my friend at all. My hand raises as I think about it, my fingertips brushing my lower lip like I can read his previous kisses like tea leaves.
Brady didn’t have a serious girlfriend in high school either. Am I the reason why?
Brady reaches me, pulling me in and pressing me to him. His body is warm, and he smells like coconut and sweat.
“Did you get stuck in the driveway?” Brady’s deep voice tumbles down around me.
I chuckle against his chest. “I was thinking about something.”
He steps back, but his hand stays on my forearm. “Anything important?”
I shake my head, unwilling to open that can of worms. We may be a collection of our memories, but for right now, I want to stay firmly rooted in the present.
“No,” I tell him, turning back to the car and reaching for the bag in the front seat. Brady takes it from me and starts for the house. “I brought beer,” I tell him, following him through the grass and up onto the sidewalk.
“I grabbed some too. Want to bet Finn will bring some? We’ll have ourselves quite a party.”
