When I arrive home,I find Aidan sitting on the ground outside my apartment door. His knees are pulled into his chest, and his arms rest on his knees. His gaze stays on the ground, even though I know he can hear me approaching.
“Aidan?” I step closer until I know he can see the toes of my shoes.
He looks up. In his eyes I see something I've been half expecting. Fear. I knew this would happen sooner or later. Aidan has been one way his whole life, but that doesn't mean his recent change of heart doesn't have strings, pulling him back into his prior belief. I'm a little jarred, but since I've been expecting this, it's easier to stay calm.
“Come inside.” I reach out a hand to help him up. Aidan shoulders most of his own weight as he stands, but feeling the warmth of his hand in mine brings me comfort. Unfortunately, I have to let it go so that I can let us into my apartment. I take my keys from my bag, then reach around him and unlock the door. He follows me in and watches me put down my things and kick off my shoes. I hang my coat on the coat rack and motion for him to do the same. He shakes his head slightly, and this is what makes the calm in me disappear.He is not planning to stay.
“Aidan, what's going on?”
He opens his mouth and closes it as if he can't quite form the words. The longer he stands there, rooted in place only a few feet inside the door, the faster my heart beats. Even though I've just come in from the frigid outside, even though I've taken off my coat and I'm down to just my silk blouse and slacks, my underarms begin to feel clammy.
“Just say it,” I snap, losing my patience. I can't handle the look on his face. Even knowing that whatever he is going to say will hurt me, I can't bear to see him in pain.
“Allison,” he finally croaks, his head shaking in tiny, rapid pulses, as if he is trying to expel whatever it is that’s inside there.
My eyes narrow. “What about her?”
“She's pregnant.” His voice is empty, yet his message drills right into the center of me.
My hand reaches out, looking for the couch, but I'm too far away. My legs are weak, incapable of holding me up any longer. I collapse, right onto the hardwood floor. Pulling my knees into my chest, I tuck my chin and try to make myself as small as possible.
This cannot be happening.
Maybe if I keep my eyes squeezed tightly shut, this problem will disappear. I hear the rustle of Aidan’s jeans, feel the movement of air displacing as he sits down beside me. His arms wrap around me, tugging me onto his lap. Pressing my face to the front of the shirt, I cry into the soft flannel.
“I can't believe it either.” Aidan's voice drifts around me.
After a few minutes, I sit back and look at him. He doesn't look so frightened, now that he has told me. I swipe my cheeks, but the tears I’ve just wiped away are immediately replaced by more.
“How did she tell you?” My words come out garbled because of Aidan's hands on my face. He pulls them away, settling on my upper arms instead.
“She was waiting for me when I walked out of school this afternoon. She texted me a couple times yesterday, but I ignored them.”
We were together all day yesterday. He didn’t mention the messages, but then again, why would he?
“She wanted to know if we were definitely over. From the very beginning I told her what to expect, but” —Aidan shrugs slightly— “I guess I hurt her feelings anyhow. Then she told me about… about…”
“The baby,” I say for him.
He nods slowly.
A thought pops into my head, and I cling to it as though it is a life preserver and I'm being tossed around in the stormy ocean. “Are you sure the baby is yours?"
“I asked her. She was so insulted. There was a cup of coffee on the table in front of her and I thought she was going to throw it in my face.” Aidan looks down to the front of his shirt, like he is double checking to make sure it really didn't happen. He looks back to me, his eyes wary. “Allison and I had a conversation right after we met. She had just gotten out of a bad relationship and wasn't looking for anything. Obviously, that suited me. She asked me not to sleep with other people if I was sleeping with her.” A small smile twists one side of his lips. “She said it was icky.”
Despite the awfulness of this whole situation, a small bubble of laughter escapes my throat. I don't know Allison at all, but for some reason, I can picture her using the wordicky.
The momentary break from the heaviness of the situation is gone, and now everything sits right here again, wedged into the space between our chests.
“Do you think… Is there any way that you… Where do we go from here?” Aidan flinches when he’s done speaking, as if he knows the answer but had to ask the question anyhow.
“You already know, Aidan.”
His eyes drift off to the side and he nods.
I just went through a divorce, but this hurts more. Henry hurt me a little bit every day. Aidan has just ripped my heart from my chest. And he didn’t even mean to.
I know what will happen now. He will fall in love with the baby. Maybe he will fall in love with Allison.
