And then the guilt came. The wretched, consuming guilt. Could I get any more pathetic?
Matt proposed.
He went the whole nine-yards. On one knee, his eyes shining, the ring box teetering on an outstretched palm.
My first thought wasWhy didn’t he propose while we were in England?That would’ve been more romantic. My living room wasn’t exactly exciting. Maybe that’s why I didn’t see it coming. Then came the second thought, but I guess it was more of a feeling. Crushing sadness. Not what I was supposed to experience during a proposal.So this is how we will finally end.
It had to end someday. Noah was never to be my forever.
It was time.Move on with your life.First loves are not last loves.
I swallowed the pain, pushed down the denial, and said yes.
A few hours later, it all stopped mattering. My mom was thrown from the back of the motorcycle. The friend she was riding with broke both legs. The helmet I told her to wear? She didn’t. I was in my backyard finishing up a yoga video when Matt came outside to hand me the phone. Stress over the proposal consumed my thoughts until I put the phone to my ear, and my sister’s teary voice spoke.
Then everything else fell away.
* * *
It’s awkward.Not the waiting room in the ICU, but the assortment of people in it. The knots in my stomach are tied into their own knots. Dayton sits beside Noah. My sister is on my left, Matt on my right.
Noah looks awful. His eyes are bloodshot and sunken.
“Did you sleep here last night?” I ask him, no opening sentence or casual conversation to start.
Sky's shoulders jump at the sound of my voice. It’s the first sentence anyone has spoken in a while.
Noah looks up from his phone. He’s been typing on it since the nurse asked us to wait in here for the doctor. His lips twitch. He looks unsure.
“Well?” I press.
He nods.
I look back down at my hands. My bare hands. One very bare finger in particular, and I hope Matt doesn’t take that to mean anything. Leaning my head back on the chair, I close my eyes, and think of bridesmaids dresses. Sky looks amazing in light blue, and purple, and magenta, and red. All colors, actually. It’s that blond hair of hers, it goes with everything. I’ll let her choose her own color. I don’t want a big ceremony. I’ll wear flowers in my hair. Not a flower crown, maybe just one pinned behind my ear. Understated.
This is how I distract myself for the next thirty minutes, while Dayton plays a game on his phone. Twice, Matt steps out to take a call. Noah has his eyes closed and his head tipped back, but I know he’s not sleeping. The rise and fall of his chest is uneven. Sky sits like me. Lost in thought.
Finally, the doctor walks into the room. He’s a smaller man, almost my height, and the bald spot at the crown of his head is close to converging with his receding hairline. He strides past the first two rows of chairs, and Sky and I get to our feet.
“How is she?” Sky asks first, her voice anxious.
“I’m most concerned with her brain swelling. She’s on medication to reduce it, and we’re using additional methods to assist. We’ll be monitoring her closely, and I hope to see improvement. If her brain continues to swell, she’ll need a decompressive craniectomy.” He speaks the words in an unaffected tone, but to me they sound big and scary, and it’s still unbelievable that it’s my mom he’s talking about.
“Yes, yes. Okay. What is that? A…decompressive cranie…cranie…” Sky drops her head into her hands instead of finishing.
“A decompressive craniectomy means a section of her skull is removed to allow her brain to swell without being squeezed. That is a last resort though.”
Sky begins her rhythmic breathing while I rub circles on her back, and try to get ahold of my own emotions.
“Your mom was in a bad accident. She may have a long and difficult road ahead of her. Physical therapy, speech therapy, maybe even behavioral and emotional struggles. Traumatic Brain Injury is very serious.”
Sky breathes deeply, and I count with her in my head. Inhaleone, two, three, four, five.Exhaleone, two, three, four, five.
“She doesn’t have insurance,” I whisper. Why, in this moment, is that what comes to mind?
The doctor eyes me. “I’ve been told all her expenses will be fully paid by someone who prefers to remain anonymous.”
Sky lifts her head, clearing her throat as the tears begin to slide down her face.
