“Hopefully Noah is nothing like his brother.” She shakes her head, as though I’ve just made the most grievous of errors.
I shrug. “Doesn’t matter anyhow. Noah has a girlfriend.” Perky, bouncy, golden-girl Kelsey. She sits three seats away from me in English. Physically, she’s a perfect match for Noah. They look better together than Ken and Barbie.
Relief settles over Sky’s face.
“You don’t have to look so happy,” I grumble.
“Sorry. It’s just that it’s better this way. The first guy you actually like can’t be someone who’s taken.”
I think what she meant to say was that the first guy I like can’t be Noah Sutton.
“I know,” I say. I know I can't like a guy who already has a girlfriend. And I know I shouldn’t like a guy like Noah. He’s too… typical. Affluent family, big man on campus, soccer stud. But still, I can’t get Noah’s kindness and gentle disposition out of my mind. He was so different than what I had assumed he would be.
It’s the look in his eyes when we danced. That's what’s plaguing me. For a guy who’scommon,his eyes betrayed that his letterman jacket and perfect teeth shouldn't be his defining characteristics. I wonder if Kelsey knows that?
“I’m just looking out for you, Ember. You know that, right?” Sky taps my forearm.
I nod.
“Thanks for helping me out today.” With her finger she traces the abstract print of my comforter.
Sky hates her panic attacks. She lives in fear of having one in public. She experiences so much anxiety about having one that I wonder if it creates them.
“Mom is doing the same thing,” I say. “Looking out for you, I mean.”
Sky gives me a reproachful look. I decide not to tell her she looks like Mom when she does that.
“I thought volunteering at the library would get her off my back,” Sky says.
Volunteering was my idea. It got Sky out of the apartment for ten hours a week. If it weren’t for that, Sky would stay in our room with her used laptop, working as a medical biller, and hiding out from the world.
“So did I,” I admit. “But can you think more about what she’s saying?”
“We can’t afford it, Ember.”
“So?” I challenge her because she needs it.
Sky is a rule-follower, a person who’s perfectly content to stay within the parameters she has set for herself. She needs me to tell her to step outside them. My message is the same as my mother’s, but she won’t listen to Mom.
Sky loves our Mom. I know that. The problem is that she doesn't understand our mother’s life choices. Mom’s pile of failed pyramid-scheme businesses infuriates Sky. Her choice to break up with Andy, the man she dated for three years, instead of sayingyeswhen he proposed, bewildered Sky. With a steady income and a house that would have given us our own rooms, Andy seemed like someone who could stop my mother from having to clean other peoples’ toilets.
But, she said no. We weren't told why, either. All she said was,you know when it’s wrong, and you know when it’s right.
I think I know why, and it’s romantic and tragic. She must still love the poet.
Maybe they couldn't be together.
Maybe they fought as much as they loved.
Maybe they were doomed from the beginning.
3
Ember
I’ve seenNoah three times since the day at the lake. Three times in two weeks. I’ve thought of him at least 1,892 times. Give or take a few.
He was far away, and surrounded by people each time I saw him in person. Does he know he does that? Draw people to him that way? His kindness seems too good to be true. Maybe that’s one of the reasons people gravitate to him. They’re getting a closer look, trying to figure out if someone can be both handsome and kind.
