Not just because of the sex. Obviously that’s huge, but it’s more than that. A silent promise, attached to the admission of love. It’s like I’m no longer only Ember. Now there is Noah, injected into my life. As if crashing together has made us responsible for one another’s hearts.
The knowledge of it makes my chest feel tight and full, like the contents are too much for me to contain, and at any moment, I could explode. My fingers trail over the dandelion on my exposed ribcage.
“I like waking up this way.” A sleepy, muffled voice comes from beside me.
Noah peeks at me with one eye open. He struggles to open the second, then blinks a few times. “Who wanted those curtains left open? Terrible idea.”
I poke his chest, and he grunts like a fighter who was just punched.
“I thought you were in soccer, not drama club.” I poke him again. This time he knows it’s coming and flexes his muscles. My stomach growls, and I drop a hand onto the bare skin. “Where should we get breakfast?”
Noah grins and pushes messy hair away from his face. “Well, I don’t know about you, but I already know what’s on the menu.” He grins and disappears under the covers.
The day has only just begun, but already I’m certain it’s going to be the best day of my life.
* * *
“Do we have to go?”I’m pretending to drag my feet. Except, I’m really not pretending. I’m actually doing it, and Noah is behind me, gently coaxing me through the mudroom and toward his car.
“We don’t have a choice. Our parents are only going to think we’re staying at our friends’ houses for so long. We have to show up sometime.”
I pout and stuff another donut in my mouth. After the most exceptional experience of my life, Noah took me to get breakfast at Bertrand’s Bakery, home of the world’s best strawberry donut. They make that claim in paint on their store window, and they aren’t lying. I took two for the road.
“Fine, fine,” I sing, my mouth full, pausing at the open garage door to watch a girl go by on a beach cruiser bike. The curves of metal and pretty white paint put my rickety ten-speed to shame.
“Ready?” Noah comes up behind me and touches my back.
I watch the bike until it disappears. “Yeah.” I follow him to the open passenger door. How much money would it take to buy a bike like that? Way more than I have, probably.
We both get in and buckle up. Noah backs out and points the car toward home. He extends an open mouth to me, but his eyes stay on the road.
“Here.” I fill his mouth with the rest of my donut. The mouthful is too much, and crumbs tumble into his lap. He swipes them onto the floorboard and asks me a question I never saw coming.
I open my mouth, but there are no words ready. I’m silent because I’m stunned.
“Would you mind?” he repeats.
I’m grappling with the answer. He wants to know if I care that he plans to follow me to whatever college I decide on. How can I tell him that college isn’t in the cards for me? Not yet, anyway. I applied to all those places, but there’s no way I can go. How easily I can picture the stark white envelope,collegewritten in my mother’s loopy handwriting. It’s well-intentioned, but it’s also practicallyempty.
I can’t take on tens of thousands of dollars in school loans, assuming I could even qualify. Scholarships don’t want a girl like me. I’m not special, not according to them anyway. I haven’t lost a limb, or developed a cutting-edge method for providing clean water to third world countries. I’m a low-income girl from Northern California without a discernible talent of any kind.
“I can’t go out-of-state, Noah,” I say, swallowing a big drink of orange juice and setting it back into the cup holder between us.
“Why? You told that horrible old lady I’m related to—”
I give him a look and interrupt him. “Your grandmother.”
He waves one hand. “Yeah, her. You toldmy grandmotherthat you could do it with scholarships and a job. Is that not true?”
“Noah,” I start, but I pause. How can I say this to him? He already knows I don’t have the means to go to any college of my choosing, but he knows it the same way we all know about the Berlin Wall. Yeah, it existed, but it doesn’t affect us personally.
“Ember, whatever you’re going to say, don’t. We’re going to go to college together, and do all the things college boyfriends and girlfriends do. Whatever that is. Meet between classes, go to parties, and football games. It kind of sounds like high school, so maybe I’ll ask Brody, and he’ll tell me.”
I laugh, and he smiles, shaking his head. “The point is, we’re not going to be apart. Besides, we still haven’t heard from Stanford. Right? That’s because it’s meant to be for us. Stanford is where we’re destined to go together.”
This is what I mean. Noah understands that I don’t have financial means, but he doesn’t reallyunderstand.He’s not thinking about where I’ll live, or how I’ll eat. The mountains of debt I’ll have to take on, or that it may take me longer than four, five, maybe even six years because I’ll have to work.
I can’t bring myself to pop his enthusiastically swaying balloon. So I don’t. I reach across the center console, run my hand over his cheek, and tell him we’ll work it out somehow. The lie tastes sour, even though he swallows it like it’s velvety chocolate.
