“Not a good idea, you guys. We will be fired.”
“Oh, we’re just doing it for fun, Ms. Goody two-shoes.” Xander rolls his eyes. “We won’t actually use it in the presentation. It’ll be a bonding experience.”
“It’ll be cathartic.” Marina nods. “Come on, let’s have some fun.”
“Okay then. I guess.” I shrug and nod. I do want to seem like a team player. “Let’s write these juicy fake bios, and then we have to work on the real ones, okay.”
“Yes, of course.” Cora grins. “Let me get my laptop and type them up. You, youngsters, can create the ideas.”
“I mean, I don’t really know what we would say.” I watch as they head to the corner of the room, next to Cora’s desk, and all take a seat. “I haven’t really been here that long. I mean, I can’t stand Jack, but I don’t really know what I would say.”
“We’ll think of something,” Marina says with a laugh. “But we’ll have to make sure to do the real ones as well, as they are due in two days.”
The Shareholder Director Assholes of Heathcliff Enterprises
Jack Heathcliff
What can we say about our esteemed CEO? He’s been in more beds than Don Juan. Unfortunately for him, no one is bragging about his prowess between the sheets. But at least he has a lot of money to keep him warm at night. It’s a pity our greedy and rude leader can’t be bothered to remember who his employees are and give them adequate raises. He thinks he’s hot stuff, but all we see is goo that should be flushed down the loo. Someone needs to tell this man that he’s not God’s gift to women, nor the sexiest man alive. Not even close. So my advice to all who want to work with him and/or be on his board of shareholders is watch out for your wives, they may succumb to his scorpion charms.
Louis Seerkit
What do a rat, a pot-bellied pig, and a skunk have in common?
They all act, look, and smell like Louis, the rudest director to ever exist in the world.
Shannon Nashville
Shannon, the eighties called and they want their hairstyle back. You’re not Farah Fawcett, and you will never be an Angel. Get off your high horse and stop sending emails that are supposed to be motivational, but actually make people want to slit their wrists. We all know you’ve had multiple rounds of Botox, married a billionaire who was on his deathbed for money, and stole from Cartier when you were younger. So stop trying to act like the morality police. We are not your humble servants.
Marina reads off the list of bios that we’ve all written together, and I can’t stop myself from laughing, even though I’ve never even met Louis or Shannon yet. Writing these bios is almost like a bonding experience, and I realize that while these three people are virtually strangers to me and quite weird, I’m already beginning to like them. I feel a kindred spirit between us. We’re all just trying to make our way in life, while also pursuing our bigger dreams. We all want to be seen, recognized, and complimented.
“Let’s do Jon Reddington now,” Xander says, clapping his hands eagerly. “That man needs to be taken down a ring or two.”
“Wait, isn’t that the guy you were flirting with at the Christmas party?” Marina tilts her head to the side. “The one that you said was…” Her voice trails off as Xander glares at her. “Fine, let’s do him next. If you really want to.”
“Oh, I want to.” Xander taps his fingers against the wooden desk, leans his head back, and then clears his throat. “Okay, are you ready, Cora? I’ve got the most perfect bio that the world has ever seen for that jerk.”
“Why is he a jerk exactly?” I ask, curious if this Jon was some sort of ex-lover that had scorned him or something.”
“You’re about to find out,” Xander mutters. “But that’s the last time I will ever offer to get someone a drink. Can you imagine the man thought I was the waitstaff and gave me a drinkorder for ten people? The rudeness of it all.” He moves around on his seat like he’s shaking off the leftover contempt that he still holds in his heart, and I try not to laugh. These fake bios are absurd, but they are fun in their own twisted ways. I’m just glad that we’ve almost finished the real bios as well. I’d hate for us to fail the very first task I was put on.
Chapter Ten
Jack
“Someone needs to tell this man that he’s not God’s gift to women, nor the sexiest man alive. Not even close. So my advice to all who want to work with him and/or be on his board of shareholders, watch out for your wives, they may succumb to his scorpion charms.”
The monotone voice of the Autoreader attached to the PowerPoint doesn’t lessen the harshness of the message, and the room has erupted into chaos as the PowerPoint continues to play, decimating the characters of every member of the board, including myself, in front of thousands of employees. I can see shocked and bemused expressions on everyone’s faces, and I look around the room, until I see Joanna, so I can figure out what is going on. I hear her before I see her. She’s loud and pissed, and she’s threatening to fire everyone involved. That’s when I see Katherine’s panicked expression as she whispers to a man next to her. He shakes his head vehemently and leans over to a young woman, who is wearing a bright red sweater and flared corduroy pants. I’ve never seen either of them before, and I wonder what department they work in. Then I see the elderly lady from the cafeteria throwing her hands up into the air. Shelooks over and sees Joanna, and I watch as she goes hurrying out of the conference room with the other three behind her. So Katherine was involved with this, was she?
I hold in a laugh as Marcus Benderford frowns at me. He’s one of the accountants at the company, and he has a sense of humor akin to a rock. “What is the meaning of this, Jack?” He fiddles with the gold cufflinks on his navy suit. “How dare they say such things about Shannon. She is a good woman.”
“Yes, Marcus. I know.” I don’t bother to tell him that the woman he is sleeping with, who is not his wife, had hit on me at every opportunity that she could. Only because her late husband had been friends with my grandfather did I allow her to stay on the board. And the fact was, she did have some good ideas when she wasn’t trying to seduce me.
“This is a slight to her character. She didn’t marry for money.” He sniffs. “She is the epitome of a good woman. In fact…” His voice trails off as he notices the expression on my face. I won’t be blatantly disrespectful of Shannon, but he knows that I’m not buying what he’s selling. “What are you going to do to fix this, Jack?”
“I need to find out what’s going on.” I stand up and look around the room to figure out my best exit. “I wasn’t painted in the best light myself, and this is my company.” I let the last comment sit for a moment, and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I don’t want anybody in this room to think they have power over me, do you understand?”
“Yes.” He presses his lips together and pulls out his phone. “I need to call…”
