But as Sergey pulls me closer, bringing me onto his lap, the alarm in my head goes off again, reminding me that I’m not the experienced woman he thinks I am.
I may be comfortable with some not-so-gentle aspects of life, doing things that others might deem dangerous, but this…I’m out of my depth here.
It’s embarrassing to even think about, but it’s my reality.
It makes me hesitate, and Sergey doesn’t let it go unnoticed.
Instead, he breaks the kiss, breathless while his eyes find mine. He’s still completely overcome with desire, but he tempers it long enough to speak. “What’s wrong?”
The question shouldn’t make my stomach twist into knots, but it does anyway, and I swallow hard.
Heat creeps up my neck and makes my cheeks burn while I glance away from him, unable to form the words.
Given how he doesn’t say anything for a moment, I can tell Sergey doesn’t entirely know what’s going on, or what he’s supposed to do. But he takes a breath and gently takes my chin in his grasp, guiding me to look at him.
“Tell me.”
I don’t want to. I want to keep the words stashed away inside me and forget about all of this. To never face the shortcomings that he surely isn’t expecting of me.
But his thumb softly moves along my jaw, and his eyes give way to a look of caring. A genuine curiosity that lacks demand or pressure. Instead, he just wants to know.
“Do you want this?” Sergey asks, words careful as if he doesn’t want to spook me.
Swallowing hard, I just want to look away and have the chance to breathe again. But his hold prevents me from moving.
There’s no questioning it. I’m burning for him and the promise of pleasure. But that small voice in the back of my head is preventing that from happening.
Still, I have to answer. I have to say something.
“Yes.”
A subtle spark flashes in his eyes then, but he doesn’t let it drive him. Instead, he keeps up his calm curiosity. “Then why do you keep denying it?”
“Because…” I mumble, wishing he wasn’t so persistent. “…This isn’t something I do.”
“What, having sex with someone you want to hate?” He asks, tone lighter than before.
“Having sex…period.”
This stops him, and Sergey pauses his movements. His eyes search mine like he’s trying to decide if I’m telling the truth. “Really?”
My cheeks burn, and I feel as if the humiliation tries to swallow me whole. “Yes, really.”
A beat of silence lingers between us, and it’s so deafening, I can’t stand to listen to it.
“So you’ve never…?”
“No,” I admit, hating every agonizing moment of this interaction as I glance away from him. “I know it’s pathetic, and you probably assumed I’d be experienced, but that’s just how things panned out for me. I’ve been careful with who I let into my life, and if that’s a problem—”
“Kat,” Sergey murmurs, pulling my attention back to him more insistently. The barely-there uttering of my name catches me off guard.
But more than that, the veil that covers his eyes surprises me even more.
Almost dazed, Sergey looks me over, thumb gently grazing my cheek again. Somehow, he looks even hungrier than before.
It makes something stir in me despite myself.
“What?”
