I sit up in bed and stare at the door. This is Molly and Ron’s house. I don’t remember much about getting here except for a monotony of driving and them opening the front door, then stumbling inside past them both.
I remember sobbing but not saying why I was crying, even when they asked me.
Considering he is not here with me, they probably guessed why.
Fuck him. Fuck that man. For a second, I’m seething with anger, until it collapses, dismantling, leaving me bereft. Like tears in the rain, as someone once said.
They’ve given me a place to stay, but what am I going to do?
Was I truly stupid to fall in love with him? The frankenstruct. Kail. My lip curls in distaste.
His name makes my stomach lurch, and I hate that. I don’t understand why he left me. I don’t. And that is the worst part. Make it make sense.
I need the why. He refused to say, said some fucking gibberish back there at the Laramie house… After fucking me into nirvana-land.
I remember my tired happiness and the abrupt destruction of it that he accomplished with only a few words.
I’m empty inside, full of whistling space, an abyss of…of useless hate.
I sniffle, pull the sheet to my face, and dab my eyes.
“Crying will get me nowhere,” I tell myself in a whisper.
How embarrassing it would be if Ron or Molly were to come in and see me crying.
I need sleep, and my head is pounding as if I have a hangover which is both sad and ironic since I drank, what, two glasses of wine? It’s two fifty-five AM according to my phone. I drop it onto the side table.
The sheet has ended up tangled about my fingers. I plonk myself backward into the headboard. What am I doing? Good question.
I spent all that time with Kail, and I don’t understand whether I was deluded the whole time or was it something else? He is an alien, isn’t he? Inhuman. I mull that over, chewing with my jaw, teeth on teeth, like it’s a chunk of flesh to squish. No, I’m wrong. He’s all man inside despite the wreckage of his skin. He is human at heart.
I loved him, and I guess I’m mourning the loss of someone I thought wanted to be with me forever.
Why? He went from all in, including that fucking gorgeous cock of his… I laugh in the dark, smiling ruefully. Yeah. All in to all out.
I don’t believe any of the reasons he gave. Whatever they are. They make no sense. He isn’t shit. Or wasn’t. Nor is he a bad person or a coward.
So. I’m left with, his last words are lies. In his actions and what he said he would do, there lies the truth. He helped me even after something that was maybe an internal revelation—because nothing actuallyhappened—after that something messed up his perceptions.
He dressed me, gave me something to drink, then rescued me when the house was fucking well on fire, said he would fix everything before he left Revenant. You can’t get much more caring than that. Even if he did fuck me like a demon.
Those orgasms…
I need to uncover the truth. What if, and here is a real problem, what ifheneedsme? But for some reason I cannot fathom he cannot say it.
If I turn away from him now, I may be doing precisely what I should not do. If I’m wrong, at least I tried. I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t try to figure this out.
I need more sleep though. Nothing can be done at this hour.
I snuggle back under the sheets and try to doze off. Maybe I should try counting sheep, though blasting them with a shotgun is currently my mood. I sigh and shut my eyes.
One. Two. Three.
42
EXTREME UNCTION
I finger the USB in my pocket. This could be my magic key, if it is what Dawid said it is. Though Dawid is dead, according to what I overheard from the other guests. While I wait, squatting against a wall of another residence, the police lights flash on the house.
