I set her down on a chair in this upstairs bedroom. I brought her water, and she clutches the glass like it’s a lifeline. Exhaustion shows in the way she slumps in the chair. I guess I’ve made her mostly happy as she smiles and lifts her hand to cradle my face as I kneel before her.
Now, though…now I have to go.
Every tiny detail of her makes me want to stay. I need her for herself but also for the tender pinkness of these small fingers. For the scent of her and the taste of her palm when I kiss it. For the rebellious hair that falls over her ear. The curl of her eyelashes. For her small toes and how they squash a little where they meet the floor.
Something inside me may break if I do this, and if I stay…I might break her, my precious Hailey.
Fuck, how do I do this? I don’t know if I can.
I must.
“I’m not safe to be around,” I tell her, even as I scream at myself to stay.
“What?” she whispers.
With my reluctance crushing me in every inch that I distance myself from her, I stand then take a step back.
“You are my everything, and I love you, but I cannot stay with you. I fear myself and what I might do to you. I’m sorry.” I clasp the hand she’s raised. “I will fix everything before I leave Revenant.” Tears spill down my face. “I love you,” I repeat, stupidly. “Forgive me.”
I walk unsteadily toward the open doorway, pausing there. Leaving is irrevocable.
In the hallway, the man in the sequined mask and harlequin costume leans on the balcony railing, wrinkling his nose and sniffing, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.
Earlier, he handed me the USB that’s in my pocket.Here. Courtesy of Dawid. He said to tell you he hacked into you-know-where hours ago, and it was like taking candy from a baby. You’re welcome.
I didn’t tell Hailey. And he’s just snorted something. I shouldn’t leave her until he goes. This party is full of?—
“Kail?” It’s a terrible cry for help, not just my name.
My hearts stutters.
Such pitiful confusion spilled from that single word. When I believed I was reduced to a shred of nothing, her sorrow tears away another million pieces of me.
The seconds stretch and shatter.
What else can I say without making her hate me? I would rather leave while I’m still something to her than make her want to spit on my corpse.
Coward. Tell her so she understands!
I hear the chair topple and her feet hit the floor.
I twist to look at her. She stands, her arms limp. The glass lies on the floor surrounded by spilled water.
“Why? Why! Please.”
What is it with her and the words that tear into me like a flamethrower through a puppy?
“Why?” I clear my throat.
She nods and tears shine in her eyes. I did that to her. Me. “Don’t go, please? We can talk this through.”
I wipe away my own tears, casually, like I have dust on me, but remain in the doorway. “I don’t want to become a thing you hate, and if I speak…”
“Speak. Please, speak.” She holds her hand out toward me, imploring.
“If I knew what to say, I would say more. It’s complicated.”
“Complicated!” At last, anger distorts her face.
