My heart lurched. What was he going to say? That hecouldn’t get past it? A fleeting thought of him leaving filled me with dread.
“Tell me.” It was all I could manage.
“I hate the thought of you with someone else. Anyone else.”
It wasn’t what I was expecting and my dread gave way to warmth.
“I’m not with anyone else. I’m not sure I ever have been.” Ethan was different. I knew that, right at that moment.
His eyes lifted to mine, as if trying to see more of me. I wanted him to see inside me. I meant what I’d said to Ethan. Men before him were irrelevant to me. Time before him was irrelevant to me.
He traced a thumb across my cheek. “This is difficult, I feel like I’m fucking this up.”
Too difficult?“I only want you, Ethan. I’ve only ever been looking for you and you’re not going to mess this up—I won’t let you. And you’ve got to stop me from messing this up, too.”
He looked pained and his hands dropped to my shoulders. I took one of his hands in mine and kissed the knuckle.
“What did you do?” I whispered.
“It’s fine,” he said.
“Don’t go punching walls. Talk to me. As much as you want me to communicate to you, it’s got to work both ways. We’re still getting to understand each other, it’s going to be lumpy but you were right when you said that talking things out is the way through the bumps.”
He nodded. I stood up and held out my hand for him to take it. Instead he pulled me toward him and wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned his head on my chest. Ikissed him on the head and pushed my fingers through his hair.
We stayed there for long minutes, things settling between us. We had revealed new and hidden parts of ourselves today. Not deliberately, but fundamentally. We lay exposed and vulnerable. As if we had just climbed to the summit of a mountain, it felt like we needed time to recover and recuperate before we got up and enjoyed the view.
Eventually Ethan stood and led me back to bed and we lay our limbs intertwined and our bodies as close as they could be, reassuring ourselves and each other.
Ethan kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry for overreacting,” he said.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I do. I underestimated you, me, us. I tried to punish you.”
“Ethan, you fucking me will never be a punishment. It’s all pleasure.”
He pulled me closer. “Are we okay?”
“We’re more than okay.”
“Can I fuck you properly now?” he grinned at me and I laughed at him.
“Anytime baby.”
Before the words were out of my mouth he had my body pinned to the mattress with his hips, his hard-on pressed against my thigh, his lips on my neck.
“I’ve left a mark,” he said.
“Always,” I replied, my hands trailing down his back.
He brought his head up to look at me. “I’m serious, Anna. Your neck.”
“It’s fine. I like it.”
“You like it?” He cocked his eyebrow at me.
“I do. It says that I belong to you.”
