“I don’t know if I can do this with you Anna, I can’t handle it when you keep things from me.” he said simply, still not looking at me.
My heart squeezed tighter and I struggled to breathe. I nodded but he couldn’t see. I was trying to be calm, butinside I felt anything but. What could I say to make him stay? Maybe it would be better this way. Easier at work, anyway. The thought of seeing him in the office but knowing that we would be nothing to each other made my stomach clench and I clasped my fingers of one hand in the other and twisted, hoping to displace the pain.
“I understand. It’s complicated,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady but I failed and I managed an unattractive half-breath, half-sob at the end of the sentence. It didn’t go unmissed by Ethan and he turned to look at me.
“What is it?” he asked. “You’re upset? What’s wrong?”
I shrugged my shoulders and a tear escaped.
“Anna. Would you just talk to me? I’m not a mind reader. I don’t know what you’re thinking. You want to be exclusive but you get freaked out by me introducing you as my girlfriend. What’s that? And you’re distant in the cab and then all about the sex when we come up here? What’s going on?”
“I’m trying,” I choked out. “Just because I’ve had boyfriends before doesn’t mean I’m good at it.”
I turned away from him and covered my face with my hands. How did I feel this upset about him leaving me? What happened to the promise I’d made to myself that men were only going to be about fun from now on?
“Then be honest with me. I can’t deal with the bullshit.”
“I’m not bullshitting you.”
“But you’re not being honest.”
“I’m scared,” I bit out.
“Of me? Of being honest?”
I could feel him moving closer to me. I nodded but didn’t look up at him. He pulled my hands from my face and his head dipped as he tried to look me in the eye.
“Anna, talk to me. What are you scared of?”
It was like he’d uncorked a bottle of something fizzy and everything just spilled out. “I’m scared this, us, is more than sex. I’m scared that Iwantthis to be more than sex. I’m scared of you leaving and I’m scared of you staying. I’m scared of how I feel about this, you. It’s just complicated and this wasn’t supposed to be complicated. You could hurt me, Ethan. Already, you could really hurt me.”
I kept my eyes away from his, worried at what I would see if I looked. He just pulled me toward him and held me tight. “I know,” he whispered in my hair.
SEVEN
Ethan
Her reaction to me calling her my girlfriend fucking hurt. I knew it shouldn’t but for the first time in my life, I wanted to be able to call someone my girlfriend and she practically fucking winced when I’d said it. I tried to not let it bother me, but it did. It really fucking bothered me.
I didn’t follow what happened next. Her moods seemed to zigzag, throwing me off the scent every time I thought I’d caught up. She seemed to be quiet, angry and sad all within a sixty-second window
I’d managed to get her to open up a bit but I was in new territory. Other than my sister, I’d never had to comfort any woman who was upset.
I stood with her wrapped in my arms and wondered what I should say next. Fuck.
“Beautiful, how do we make this less complicated? How doImake this less complicated? I hate to see you sad.” Did she know what she wanted and was just too afraid to tell me?
She made sounds against my chest but I’m pretty sure none of them were actual words. Jesus, she was usually so feisty, this sad side of her was one I’d never seen. How many did she have?
“What are you thinking? No bullshit,” she asked.
Shit.
“I’m thinking about you,” I replied, hoping that would placate her.
“What about me? That I’m some kind of crazy emotional person?”
“Maybe.”
