The things that I missed so damn much.
Aubrey.
Landon.
The club.
The fucking drugs.
Always, always the drugs.
“Maxx. Seriously. Come on.”
I let out an overly dramatic breath, feeling more than a little irritated. I swung my legs off the bed and slowly sat up. I refused to look at Pete, the rehabilitation assistant. I ran my hands through the hair that hung in my eyes. I needed a haircut. But there was no way I was getting ahold of a pair of scissors in this place. Too tempting to slice a vein or two, I guess.
Nope, can’t let the recovering addict have access to pointy things.
“Getting depressed is normal...” Pete started to say.
Jesus Christ, kill me now!
I wasn’t entirely sure what Pete’s job was at the clinic. He wasn’t a counselor. He didn’t lead any support groups. He just walked around trying to talk to the patients about their feelings. He was overly self-righteous, seemed to think he had the inside track on everyone’s addiction. It was more than obvious he was floundering through his dead-end job. And no matter how many token buzzwords he used, he sounded like someone trying way too hard.
I stared at him, eyeballing him through narrowed slits. He wasn’t much older than me, but his thinning hair and sad comb-over made him look middle-aged. He suffered from a clear case of bad genetics, poor bastard. I watched Pete swallow audibly and take a noticeable step back into the hallway. I intimidated him. For a brief second, I got a sick sense of satisfaction from that. Then I felt slightly guilty for enjoying his discomfort.
The old Maxx would have loved his reaction. I would have used his clear intimidation to my advantage. ButthisMaxx didn’t do those things. And honestly, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I didn’t know how to be without the drugs in my system. I had to learn how to be this stranger taking up residence in my own skin. I had to develop a personality separate from the drugs. And I wasn’t exactly sure how to do that when so much of who I was had been wrapped up in a scene I was forcing myself to leave behind.
“I’m not depressed. I’m bored,” I told him. I got to my feet and followed Pete out into the hallway.
I had checked myself into rehab convinced I was making the right choice. Hell, it was probably the only choice I had. When I got out of the hospital, I had been coming off the aftereffects of a crash course in detox. My body had been weak and my mind even weaker. I had felt horrible, both physically and mentally. I couldn’t remember a time I had ever been so low. But all I could think about was making things right again.
Because Aubrey had left me. Smashed my fucking heart and walked away without looking back. I both hated and loved her for that.
I was miserable without her, but it was also the swift kick I had needed to make some serious changes. For the first time in my life I had wanted something more than the drugs. I still wanted that rush. I was scared I always would. But more than anything else, I just wantedherback.
So I had been convinced that I could change. That I could be a better person. That I’d clean up my act here at Barton House, then get out and sweep Aubrey Duncan off her too-good-for-me feet.
But the initial sense of desperation to get my life in order that had gotten me through my first week here was fading fast as the reality of this depressing, hopeless place started sinking in.
The lure of my old life was poking me in the subconscious. Reminding me that it was still there, waiting for me. And the longer I stayed locked behind these walls, the more I wavered between wanting to do things right and wanting to get back to the life I used to have. The one where I didn’t feel so small and helpless.
The one where I felt in control.
Because here I was most definitelynotin control.
Every second of every day was monitored and accounted for. I couldn’t take a piss without someone knowing where I was and what I was doing. And losing control, myautonomy,on top of everything else was proving almost too much to handle.
But when I thought back to what rock bottom had looked like, I did my best to push aside my inner grumblings and go to group. Sit through therapy and vow that I would never allow myself to be that person again.
But every day was a new battle between the old Maxx and the new one. And I never knew which one would win.
“Is your brother coming this weekend?” Pete was asking, though I barely heard him.
“Huh?” I asked as we walked down the hall toward the conservatory where the support group was held.
“Is your brother coming up for visiting hours this weekend? It would be a great opportunity to utilize family counseling. That’s a huge part of the program. It could be a great step for both of you.”
My hands clenched into fists, and I had to work hard to control my reaction to the innocent question.
