And by the sinking feeling in my gut, I knew I was in trouble.
chapter
twenty
aubrey
why had I accepted Maxx’s invitation?
I had a strong feeling that the world I had only just gotten back on track was about to change all over again.
I sat on my couch only an hour after leaving the coffee shop, the brochure for the Department of Education in my lap and a thousand different possibilities for my life floating around in my head. I was feeling completely and totally overwhelmed.
Renee walked through the door in the middle of my silent freak-out looking much calmer than she had earlier. “Are you all right?” I questioned her.
My friend collapsed on the couch beside me. “I’ve made a mess of stuff,” she said, her admission rough in her mouth.
“You want to talk about it?” I asked, giving her the opportunity to share with me what was going on with her. My curiosity was killing me. I wanted to know what Devon said to her. I wanted to know what exactly she was doing with her abusive ex-boyfriend. I wanted to grill her more about Iain and what had happened between them. Renee put her hand over mine that still clutched the course catalogue and squeezed. The comforting gesture was clearly for her as much as for me.
“I do want to talk about it, Aubrey. I really do. Just not right now. My head sort of feels like it’s going to explode.” She gave me a wry smile that I returned.
“This is definitely a head-explosion zone,” I agreed.
“So, Maxx...” Renee’s voice trailed off, letting me fill in the gaps for her.
“He asked me to go horseback riding with him,” I told her, grimacing.
“Horseback riding? Since when are you Annie Oakley?” Renee scoffed.
I rolled my eyes. “Since never. But I told him okay,” I said in a rush, putting the truth out there as quickly as possible.
Renee squeezed my hand again and dropped her head onto my shoulder. “What’s wrong with us?” she asked, giving voice to the very question that had plagued me for months.
“We love too hard and too recklessly, I think,” I murmured.
“Let’s just hope we can walk away in one piece this time,” Renee said softly. And we sat there, supporting each other as heartbroken friends do.
I was pacing holes in the living room carpet when Maxx finally arrived. I opened the door and slipped out into the hallway, not letting him inside.
“Ready?” he asked, and I nodded.
“Ready,” I said, giving him a thin smile. Maxx ran his hands through his hair, and I found myself really looking at him. My misgivings kicked up a notch as I took in his appearance. He was wearing worn jeans that hung off his narrow hips. His chest strained under a red button-down shirt. He had rolled up the sleeves to his elbows. His hair fell in haphazard curls across his forehead.
He was thinner. His face more angular, his cheekbones more pronounced. His eyes were clear and steady. Absent was the bloodshot haze I had been used to seeing. He looked happy. Excited, even. It was a look that could prove lethal to my wishy-washy heart.
Because this was a new Maxx. Someone I had only seen in glimpses between withdrawals. Someone who had shown his face only briefly while I had loved and been consumed by him.
A stable Maxx. Calm. Competent. Together.
Angry, bitter Aubrey wondered if this, too, was an act. And if it wasn’t, I wondered how long it could last.Enough with the negativity!I chastised myself.
This Maxx smiled with shy reservation, as though he wasn’t sure whether he should or not. He spoke with consideration of his words. He thought before he acted. He was so completely different that it was hard to believe he was the same person. The connection we had always shared was still there, yet it strained and stretched in this strange new world we coexisted in.
We walked to his car silently.
“Do you want to listen to the radio?” he asked, fumbling with the ancient dials on his dashboard once we were buckled in.
“I don’t care,” I said, situating myself so I could get comfortable on the crunchy leather seats.
