“I’ve got to go, Mom. I have a life to screw up,” I said, ending the call before we could spend any more time making each other miserable.
I threw the phone onto the couch and picked up a pillow, covering my face. I screamed as loud as possible into the plush fabric, letting it drown out the strength of my anger. After I had exhausted myself, I got to my feet feeling jittery and uneasy.
“I’m just one big, fucking mistake,” I muttered, grabbing my keys and leaving the apartment, knowing that if I stayed there I’d end up throwing stuff. And as much as I loved to clean, I had had enough of sorting through my impulsive actions.
I got into my car with no clear idea of where I was headed. I just needed to drive. To find a place where I could unwind.
I shouldn’t have been surprised when I ended up outside of the Quikki Mart. The dark alleyway to the side that led to Maxx’s apartment was shadowed and ominous. In some strange way, I guess it made sense that I came here. This was the one place that I had been able to let go and be myself. To be loved by the only person to accept all of me. Despite the dark, complicated nature of my relationship with Maxx, his home was a place that I felt safe.
I put my car into park and was suddenly hit with a paralyzing thought.
What if ... what if Maxx was home?
I hadn’t contemplated that during my mindless drive here. And now, sitting in my car outside of his apartment, I was itching to go inside... but I couldn’t stomach the thought of facing Maxx.
I imagined thick, blond hair and piercing blue eyes. Strong arms that so easily wrapped around me. Full lips that fit against mine perfectly. Everything about him was irresistible. Combustible. How would I ever be able to resist his magnetic pull?
Yet I impulsively got out of the car and walked down the narrow space between buildings and quickly climbed the staircase that led to the apartment door I had walked through so many times before.
The hallway smelled of stale urine and garbage. I could hear the thumping of club music from the apartment next door. I sorted through my keys until I found the one I had never given back.
I felt suddenly guilty for invading his space like this. To expect that my presence would be welcomed. How could I possibly explain showing up like this?
I’ll just stay for a moment. See if he’s okay. Then leave. No big deal. This is just about my closure. If I know what he’s up to, it’ll be easier to get over this huge bump in my road.
I didn’t want to acknowledge how delusional I sounded, even to myself.
Walking into the darkness of Maxx’s home was like a punch to the gut. I closed the door behind me and leaned back against the wall, trying to get my breathing under control.
Why had I come here?
Why would I do this to myself?
How could I ever make myself leave again?
I felt along the wall until I found the light switch and turned it on. Light flooded the small, cramped apartment and I put a fist to my mouth to stifle the sob that crept up my throat.
He wasn’t there. And by the looks of it, he hadn’t been there in a long time. Nothing had been touched in quite a while. The space felt empty, devoid of life. Like listening to the echo of the person who used to inhabit it. The wave of overwhelming disappointment almost brought me to my knees.
But honestly... what had I expected? What had I hoped to gain by unceremoniously walking into his apartment only weeks after telling him good-bye?
Maxx’s T-shirt was strewn across the back of the tattered couch. A Styrofoam cup sat on the coffee table. A plate with a half-eaten sandwich covered in something fuzzy sat beside it.
The air was ripe with the smell of rotten food. I slowly walked through the rooms, turning on lights as I went.
My heart tripped over in my chest as a realization hit me. If Maxx wasn’t here, thenwhere was he?
Maybe he was visiting his brother. Or staying with friends.
Yeah, and maybe he ran away and joined the circus.
Each scenario seemed equally unlikely. Images of Jayme as she had looked when I was called in to identify her body flashed through my mind, and I almost crumpled into a heap.
If something had happened to him, I would know, right? Landon, Maxx’s younger brother, would have contacted me.I frantically thought of every reasonable explanation for his absence and tried to calm down. I couldn’t allow myself to imagine the worst. I’d lose what was left of my good sense and run off trying to find him.
Because my life wasn’t about Maxx anymore. It couldn’t be.
And yet... I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I walked down the hallway and pushed open the closed door in front of me. Light from the street filtered in through the window. This room didn’t smell of rancid garbage or stale air. It smelled like him.
