“What are you talking about?” I asked, confused.
Maxx advanced toward me and I backed up until my legs hit the side of the couch and I was forced to sit down on the arm, a position that gave him too much of an advantage, but I couldn’t move.
“You’re not leading the support group anymore. Why?” he asked, his words clipped and harsh, as though the thought really pissed him off.
Why would he be angry about whether or not I was facilitating that stupid support group anymore?
“Why?” I snipped. I leaned back, trying to get some distance, but I was in danger of sliding down the arm of the couch and onto my back. That inelegant move would have made me look even more ridiculous than I already felt.
“Can you give me a little space here? You’re making me feel claustrophobic,” I said, holding my hands out, making sure not to touch him.
Maxx looked at the shrinking space between us and muttered, “Sorry.”
“Can I sit down?” he asked, looking suddenly unsure. For all of his bluster only moments before when he had barged into my apartment, his confidence seemed to have waned.
“Sure, it’s not like I’m going to be able to make you leave, am I?” I threw back at him.
Maxx winced and I felt a little bad for being so hateful. But only a little.
“I didn’t mean to just march over here like this. But I heard some stuff today and I needed to see you. To hear from you that it wasn’t true. Because if itistrue, God, if it is...” He trailed off and stared at me again, his eyes wide and suddenly anguished.
I felt that uncontrollable pull toward him again. But I ignored it. It was a matter of survival to pretend it didn’t exist at all.
“You’re not making a whole lot of sense, Maxx,” I said wearily. He seemed...tortured,and that need to take care of him reared its traitorous head. It took everything inside of me to not pull him close and hold him the way I would have done without reservation once before.
“I heard—” He stopped abruptly and swallowed audibly before speaking again. “I heard that you were kicked out or something. I didn’t get the whole story. But I heard it was because of me. Because ofus.That you got in trouble as a result of our relationship. Is that true?”
Maxx’s insistence irritated me. I was unsettled having him here, in my space like this. He enveloped. Took over. Consumed.
“Why would it matter if it were true?” I asked sharply in an attempt to hide my unease.
Maxx covered his face with his hands and scrubbed his fingers down his cheeks as he raised his head to meet my eyes.
“Because the last thing I have ever wanted was for you to be brought down with me. I never wanted what Iwas, what I chose to do, to impact your life like that.”
“Are you serious?” I scoffed.
Maxx reared back as though I had slapped him. “Yes, I’m serious!”
“Because if youeverthought for onesecondthat your habit... that who youare,” I spat out, “wouldn’t affect me, then you were even more deluded than I thought.” Maxx opened his mouth as if to argue, but I shook my head, cutting him off.
“C’mon, Maxx! I loved you! We were together! We made the decision to share our lives, for whatever that was worth. I warned you about the risks for both of us! But I made my bed and now I’m lying in it. Because that’s life, Maxx. When we make bad decisions, we have to deal with the fallout!” I yelled. I was getting worked up. I couldn’t help it.
“I know there are consequences, Aubrey! I’m one big, walking consequence! You think I don’t realize that? But, God, I never meant for any of this to happen!” We were both breathing rapidly. Maxx’s face was flushed and his eyes were a little wild. I knew that I must look the same way.
“I need to make this right. For you. For us,” he stated emphatically.
I shook my head. “There is nous,Maxx. I told you that,” I said tiredly.
Maxx’s eyes flashed with fury. “I don’t believe that, Aubrey, and I don’t believe thatyoubelieve that! There willalwaysbe an us!”
Good God, I actually wanted to believe him.
“I don’t want to do this right now. You need to leave,” I said in a shaky voice. I lacked any real conviction, but I hoped the words would be enough.
They weren’t. Maxx dropped to his knees and crawled across the space between us until he was kneeling in front of me. He looked up at me and brought his hand up to my chest, placing his palm over my heart, which beat erratically.
“I feel it, Aubrey. Right there, where it matters. You want me here.” He grabbed my hand and brought it up to his chest, where I felt the frantic thud beneath my fingers. “Do you feel that? That’s where you are. That’s where you will always be. And as long as this heart beats, I will never give up on what we had. I will make you see that I can change. I can be the person you need me to be.”
