monotony.
Routine.
Blasé consistency.
That is what my life had deteriorated to.
At one time I had wanted these blissfully mundane adjectives to define my life. I had sought out the plain and unassuming. But after losing my sister, Jayme, in my senior year of high school, I hadn’t been in a position to be spontaneous or exciting. Impulsivity scared the shit out of me.
Jayme had danced on the edge and had fallen over. So I wanted my feet firmly on the ground. I needed to know what came next. That there was a B after A. That when I walked out my door every morning I knew exactly what to expect. So I became boring. And that was A-OK.
Until Maxx had stormed into my life and turned everything upside down. His intensity had scared me. He pulled me under by the force of his passion, and when I threw myself into his wild world, I found a piece of myself that had lain dormant for entirely too long. In a way, Maxx had brought me back to life. And I had loved him for resurrecting the girl who’d disappeared long ago. But when we lost control, when he hit rock bottom and I tumbled along after him, I made the decision that spontaneity and chaos simply didn’t have a place in my life anymore.
But I missed it. Life on the edge of the blade had been exhilarating. Now that he was gone I found myself trying to fit back into a life that I had so obviously outgrown. To become a woman I no longer knew how to be. And no matter how much I tried to force my feet back into those shoes, they didn’t seem to fit anymore. That piece of me that Maxx resurrected was there, lurking beneath the surface.
“Dude, are you still breathing?” Brooks asked, poking my arm from his spot beside me on my worn-out couch.
I focused on my friend, who was peering at me with a mixture of concern and blatant incredulity. My mouth stretched into a mildly lunatic caricature of a smile, and Brooks blinked, clearly disturbed by my psycho grin. “Just spaced out for a minute, sorry,” I said a bit too brightly, reaching into the bowl of popcorn in his lap.
I felt like Brooks and Renee spent most of their time on “Aubrey watch,” waiting for me to crack and lose my shit. And to be fair, it was an honest concern. I was one giant, waving red flag of impending doom.
Brooks gave a disingenuous laugh and it was obvious that he, too, was trying desperately to force himself back into a role that wasn’t necessarily his anymore.
“So, are you ready for graduation?” I asked, steering the subject into what felt like “normal” territory, and immediately hoping that he wouldn’t point the question back at me.
Where isyourlife headed, Aubrey?Abort! Abort! Scary life planning ahead, detour into blissful ignorance!
“I guess. I won’t hear about grad school for another month or so. But I think I’ve got all of my ducks in a row. What about you? Have you thought about what you’re going to do after you graduate next year? Are you still thinking of applying for the LPC program?” Brooks was referring to the Licensed Professional Counseling program at Longwood. Six months ago, that had been my plan, which was why I was putting in all of the volunteer hours—essential for graduationandit looks great on grad school applications.
I took a deep, calming breath. “I’m not so sure that’s an option right now, considering everything that has happened. Hell, I doubt Dr. Lowell or anyone else in the department would be in a rush to give me a recommendation anytime soon,” I said, with only the teensiest bit of bitterness.
“Eh, you don’t know. Just ride out the suspension, do what you need to do and keep your nose clean. You’ll be Dr. Lowell’s darling again in no time.”
“We’ll see, I guess. But what about you? Is Longwood still your first choice? Haven’t you had enough of our boring little campus?” I asked.
I had been surprised to learn that Brooks had plans to pursue his graduate degree at Longwood University. The graduate counseling program was decent, but with his grades he could go anywhere. I knew my reasons for wanting to stay had always been about putting down roots in a place that felt comfortable. But that was back before staying at the same, tiny campus hadn’t meant facing the aftermath of your screwup every day.
Now change didn’t seem like such a bad thing, and the idea of leaving no longer left a bad taste in my mouth. In fact, it seemed like the best option I had.
“I don’t know. I like it here. I like the professors. I think there are a lot of benefits to staying.” Brooks’s eyes flickered over to me, barely making contact.
“Yeah, well, I think you’re kind of crazy, Brooks. I’m beginning to see a lot of merit in getting the hell out of Dodge,” I stated.
“Give yourself some time to get over all of this, Aubrey. And then you may feel differently,” Brooks argued.
Give yourself some time to get over all of this.The words bounced around in my skull, tattooing themselves on my brain. It had been my mantra since I had left Maxx. I was convinced that time was all I needed. Even if there was a niggling of doubt that I was deluding myself.
“Sure, maybe you’re right,” I agreed, working to convince both of us. Even though I knew how ridiculous it was to tell someone togive it time.No words in the history of words were less helpful. When you were going through something horrible, the last thing you wanted to hear was one day, down the road, you’ll feel better again. Not when you wanted to feel betterright now!
My phone started to ring, and I looked down to see the number that flashed across the screen. It was a phone call I had been avoiding for the past three weeks. The phone call that could turn my sort of crappy day into a full-blown shit fest. I heard the melodramatic booming of drums in my head as I stared down at the vibrating phone.
“Ugh,” I groaned, picking up my phone, my thumb hovering over the ignore button.
“Your mom again?” Brooks asked.
I nodded. He had seen me send her calls to voice mail multiple times over the past few days.
“Have you spoken to your parents since your hearing?” he asked, already knowing the answer.
