Brooks only shook his head.
“So what did Maxxy boy have to say? Did he show off his healing track lines or his new and improved hypodermic needle collection?” Brooks spat out hatefully.
“Wow. What happened to not being judgmental?” I demanded, frowning.
“I just don’t want you to forget who he is, Aubrey. Or what he’s done. I have no doubt he wanted you to come and see him to prove that he’s changed. To show you he’s trying. I have no doubt he gave you a song and dance about being a better man and that he wanted another chance. Am I right?” Brooks asked, sounding both tired and bitter.
My mouth popped open, then closed again. I didn’t say anything. There was no point. Brooks was right.
Brooks shook his head, looking sad. “For such a smart girl, you really can be so damn blind about stuff.” He dropped the TV remote onto the coffee table with a clang.
“I just... I needed... closure. I needed to know that he was all right. That I could move on without worrying about how he was and what he was doing!”
“Well, now you know, Aubrey. The best thing you could have done was to walk away from Maxx. He would have eventually dragged you down further into that hole with him.”
“You’re not saying anything I don’t already know, Brooks. God! Going to see Maxx was aboutme! I needed it formypeace of mind! I had turned my back on my sister and look what happened! I couldn’t live with myself if the same thing had happened to Maxx. I could never go on and live my life with that weighing on my mind!”
“Jayme was not your fault, Aubrey! Shit, it was a horrible, horrible thing that had absolutely nothing to do with you!” Brooks grabbed ahold of my shoulders, digging his fingers into my flesh. “And Maxx isn’t your fault either! You need to stop blaming yourself for things beyond your control! You couldn’t change anything. Not for Jayme and not for Maxx. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you could.”
Brooks could never understand how badly I needed to hear those words in that moment. Brooks cupped my face between his palms, his fingers warm against my wet face. His thumbs ran circles over my skin and I leaned in, needing the touch. Needing to feel the connection even if it wasn’t the one I still craved.
“You’re a good person with a big heart. I love how you want to take care of everyone. But you can’t. Some people can’t be saved. And that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong withyou.” I leaned in, my nose an inch from his. “Aubrey, you have to let go of this thing you had with Maxx.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do!” I whispered.
“Okay, but you also have to let go of the guilt. You’re putting on a brave face. You’re playing the part of the girl who is moving forward. But I can see that you’ve only been willing to go halfway,” Brooks admonished gently.
“You really need to forgive yourself, Aubrey. For Jayme. For what you think happened with Maxx. For all of it. Until you do that, you’ll be stuck.”
Shit, he was right. He was so, so right.
“Stop trying to save everyone else and worry about saving yourself. Don’t you deserve that?”
I should have wanted to pull out of Brooks’s hold on my face. But I didn’t. I wanted to lean in and drink in the comfort he gave me. I wanted to lose myself in the sensation of someone else. I needed to remember what it felt like to touch someone whowasn’tMaxx. Otherwise, I was terrified I’d never be able to truly move on.
I pushed myself into Brooks’s personal space and he stilled instantly. He held himself rigid and I could feel his breath on my cheeks. Slowly and purposefully I brushed my lips against his and I heard his audible gasp. It had been years since I had kissed him.
But it was familiar. Did I want this kind of familiar?
Yes.
No.
I was horribly confused.
But I pushed myself into it, pressing my lips harder against Brooks’s. I kissed him with a heart that was empty but wanting so desperately to feel something again. I tried to open my mouth and invite him in but realized that Brooks wasn’t responding. I pulled back slightly and opened my eyes. The eyes that looked back at me were dark. He was angry.
“I’m sorry—” I began, but Brooks cut me off.
“What the hell, Aubrey?” Brooks demanded, getting to his feet and rubbing his hand over his mouth as though to wipe my kiss from his skin.
My cheeks flushed in humiliation. Brooks’s rejection ripped a hole straight through me.
“I just thought you wanted to...”
“Not like this! Not with you crying and miserable over some other dude!” he practically shouted.
I stood up and reached out to touch him, trying to make this better. But he recoiled instantly. “Brooks, I never meant to—”
