I looked around the dingy alleyway behind the bar and thought of how much it looked like the place where Jayme had been found. What a strange time to think about that. But of course I thought about her as I heard Maxx’s voice for the first time in weeks. They had become intricately twined together in my mind. The loss of each merging together until it was hard to differentiate one from the other.
“What do you want, Maxx?” was all I could manage to say. I sank to the ground, my head falling back and connecting with the concrete behind me as I slumped against the wall. The sharp bite of gravel underneath my legs cleared the last of the alcohol from my head.
“I just needed to hear your voice. I wanted to know how you were doing. I hoped you’d want to know how I was. I’m in rehab, you know. I decided to check myself in. Just like you wanted me to.” The relief that I felt at his words was violent and almost painful. Maxx was in rehab. This is what I had hoped he’d do.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to shout out in jubilation. And I wanted to run far away from the momentary elation his admission brought me. Because while I was glad to find out the reason for his prolonged absence, I was also scared that this inopportune phone call would completely throw me.
“So how are you, Aubrey? I think about you every second of every day. I miss you,” he breathed out softly.
He missed me. Why were my traitorous lips smiling at his confession? I blanked my face and then sighed, feeling the prick of anger take the place of irrational pleasure at hearing his voice again. “Do you want me to lie and say I’ve been great? That I’ve taken up yoga and have finally finished that crossword puzzle I had been struggling with?” I spat out, my voice layered in bitter sarcasm.
Maxx chuckled nervously. “No, I want you to tell me the truth,” he said, sounding less and less like the confident man I had known before. I thought back to that day months ago when I had first seen him. He had been a force of nature. Magnetic and irresistible. A man who was self-assured and in control.
And while I had been drawn to his confidence, it was his vulnerability that had made me fall in love with him. That very same vulnerability that was now coming through the phone.
I should hang up.
I shouldn’t sit here on the dirty ground listening to his sad voice and feeling the way my heart flipped over in my chest.
But I couldn’t get over the fact that I felt as though I owed him something. That after everything he had been through, he needed some sort of compassion from me after I had refused to stay by his side.
But that didn’t mean I couldn’t give him a taste of exactly what he had put me through.
“The truth is, Maxx, things suck. Does that make you feel better?” I asked coldly.
“No, it doesn’t, Aubrey,” Maxx said quietly, and the sound of my name on his tongue made me shudder involuntarily. “I hate that I’ve made things worse for you. I hate that you wouldn’t give me the chance to prove to you that I can make things better.” He didn’t sound angry or upset. He just sounded resigned, and that was almost worse.
I swallowed back the tears that I wouldn’t allow to fall. I stared up at the streetlight until my eyes burned. I bit my lip so it wouldn’t tremble and I wouldn’t speak until I was sure I could do so without wobbling.
“I can’t do this, Maxx. I told you before that I can’t. I’m not sure what you’re looking for from me, by calling after all this time, but I can tell you I can’t give it. Iwon’t.” I sounded so sure. So steady. It was all a goddamned lie.
“Is this some sort of ‘making amends’ assignment? Because I can assure you it’s not necessary.” I sounded hard and unforgiving. Which I knew was the last thing he needed, given what he was undoubtedly experiencing. But I also knew that if I opened myself up to him, that if I showed him a moment’s kindness, that it would be a quick and ferocious fall right back to where I was a few short weeks ago. And I just couldn’t do that to myself.
The back door of the bar opened and Brooks poked his head out. He raised his eyebrows when he saw me sitting on the cold ground, my phone pressed to my ear. I could only imagine what my face looked like.
“You okay?” he mouthed. I forced myself to smile and nod my head. I covered the phone with my hand.
“I’ll be back inside in a minute. Order me another beer, would ya?” I said, trying to act normal and unaffected.
Brooks, of course, wasn’t fooled. He took a step out into the alleyway. “Who are you talking to?” he asked, a little louder this time.
“Aubrey, are you still there?” Maxx’s voice danced into my ear, bouncing around in my head.
I removed my hand from the receiver. “Yeah, just hang on a sec,” I told him a bit tersely before turning back to Brooks.
“Just my mom,” I whispered to my friend, rolling my eyes and affecting a grimace.
Brooks pulled a face. “Ugh, sorry. I’ll order youtwobeers,” he said with a smile that I really appreciated right then.
I gave him a thumbs-up as Brooks left me alone.
“Look, I’ve got to go,” I said, returning to Maxx, who had waited silently on the other end.
“Who was that?” he asked quietly, and I recognized the tone clearly. He was jealous. And hurt. And there was a hint of betrayal as well. Which pissed me off.
“That was Brooks, all right? Not that I should have to explain that to you,” I replied grumpily.
“Oh, your friend. Right,” Maxx said, sounding relieved.
