So maybe these streets, these houses, these shops, weren’tallbad.
I attempted to loosen my death grip on the steering wheel and all I did was succeed in alternating one nervous behavior for another. I tapped rhythmically with my fingers over and over again. Maybe I had inadvertently adopted some of Flynn’s tics without my realizing it.
I was anxious. I was worried.
Though I couldn’t figure out the exact reason.
Was I nervous about seeing Flynn again?
Absolutely.
I wasn’t the type of girl to believe in sparkly, shiny, happily ever afters. I was a pessimist by nature. I wasn’t particularly likable and I wasn’t in the habit of opening myself up to anyone.
It took a special person to look at the woman underneath all of that mess. To stare in the face of my horrible history and to love me anyway.
My phone chirped from the seat beside me. I picked it up and read the text, easily navigating my car at the same time.
Have you gotten back yet? Call me next week after you’re settled.
Julie’s message made me smile. I had few connections in my life and Julie was one I could never get rid of, even if I had wanted to.
My former social worker had made it a point to continue her weekly check-ins even after I had moved away.
The truth was, she was the closest thing to a parental figure I had ever had. Even if she had been paid to be in my life.
She was consistent. She was always there. She was a giant pain in my ass.
But in my own Ellie McCallum way, I loved her.
Flynn was expecting me. I knew that he would already be pacing the floors, wondering why I hadn’t shown up yet. He had calculated my journey down to the minute. Down to the mile.
I didn’t like him worrying or anxious. I spent a good majority of our relationship ensuring hedidn’tfeel that way. He was slowly coming into his own. He was taking tiny steps towards pushing past the boundaries that had always kept him caged in.
But everyday things that most people took for granted were still difficult for him. Like traveling.
The process of Flynn leaving home and staying somewhere else was extremely taxing. He would spend days planning and re-planning. Calculating miles. Familiarizing himself with every detail.
When we had gone to the beach together just after we had gotten together, it had been the first time since the death of his mother that he gone somewhere new. And the beach, when he had visited as a child, hadn’t been a particularly pleasant experience.
But he had gone.
For me.
Despite his hesitation, it was on that trip that we had finally come together. Emotionally. Physically. Secrets had been exposed, and we had had been as close as two people could be. Before my penchant for self-destruction had almost derailed us completely.
During those early days after enrolling at The College of Baltimore, I would think about that time with Flynn at the beach and it made me happy. It gave me hope. It’s what kept me going.
I never wanted him to worry about me. I never wanted him to wonder what I was thinking or what I was feeling. I wanted our relationship to be totally transparent and honest. I needed it. He needed it. It’s the only way we could make this difficult thing between us work.
But even though I knew Flynn was waiting for me, I needed to take my time. I had to reacclimatize myself with this world I had left behind. I needed to drive down the once familiar streets and remember a time when I never thought I would leave.
But I had.
I had gotten out.
Wellston, West Virginia hadn’t smothered and destroyed me.
It was important that I remember that.
