“I think you feel guilty,” he surmised.
“About what?” I demanded.
“About Flynn. About what happened between the two of you before.”
“Well duh. But that’s stuff Flynn and I have already dealt with.” I was starting to get loud. I couldn’t help it. Mr. Shrink was hitting a little too close to home.
I tried to calm down but there was some major button pushing going on. There was a reason I hated therapy. I didn’t like looking at myself. Self-reflection was most definitely not my thing.
“Flynn says you’ve just graduated from college with a Bachelors of Arts. Congratulations by the way,” Leonard smiled.
“Thanks,” I muttered, not fooled by his efforts to placate me.
“So what are your plans?” he asked, changing the subject, throwing me.
“What?” I demanded.
“Your plans. Now that you’ve graduated and you’ve moved back to Wellston, what do you want to do?”
I looked at Flynn, wishing he’d jump in and help me but it felt like he had checked out of the conversation. He seemed to not be listening to the conversation happening right in front of him.
“Do you feel like moving back here is a bit of a failure?” Leonard posed.
“Doyou?”I countered.
“It’s not my life, Ellie.”
I sighed angrily. “Yeah, it wasn’t my first choice for a place to live.”
“But you’re here anyway. Because of Flynn right?”
I wished Flynn would show some acknowledgment. But he stared at his lap; the only sign that he hadn’t turned to a statue was the rise and fall of his chest.
“Yeah, because of Flynn,” I agreed, wishing I could leave. My time was way past up.
“Because you feel guilty about what happened with Flynn before,” Leonard said and I frowned. Where the hell did he get that from?
“No, because I love him,” I contradicted.
“Of course you do. But you feel guilty too right? Flynn has told me things were really bad between the two of you before. When you were younger. You must feel horrible about that, particularly now that you’re together. That kind of guilt can make you do things you don’t want to do. But guilt isn’t a reason to do something. I hope you know that.”
What in the flying fuck was this guy’s problem? Is that what he thought? That I was with Flynn, living here, because I feltguilty?
“I want to plan the trip to New York, Leonard. I only have eighteen minutes left and we haven’t done that yet,” Flynn said, interrupting the stand off happening between Leonard and me.
Leonard regarded me a few seconds longer and then turned to Flynn. “Absolutely. Let’s do that.”
I barely heard them as they started talking about coping skills and breathing techniques. I was thinking hard about what Leonard had said.
The therapist seemed to believe that I was motivated more by my guilt than by love. That couldn’t possibly be true.
Could it?
I was having a really hard time understanding my motivations anymore. As much as I wanted to deny that us being together had only to do with my love for him, I suddenly started to doubt.
My penchant for second-guessing started to overshadow everything.
Did I feel guilty?
