And I had to take everything he gave me in return.
I was happy. Flynn was happy. We were happy together.
This is what I believed. This is what I had to focus on. Not the ghosts of past Ellie that were resurrected the minute I crossed over the town lines.
My fingertips lingered against Flynn’s cheek, needing him to ground me. He let out a quiet snore, his brows furrowing. He swatted at my hand, and I quickly snatched it back.
That’s okay, Ellie. You love him. He loves you. Even if he can’t say it.
I quietly got out of bed and left the room knowing I’d never go back to sleep. The house was freezing. Flynn insisted on lowering the thermostat to fifty-five degrees overnight, stating that it was the most effective means of conserving energy.
I had tried to argue that it was better to pay more in heating costs than to freeze in our bed. Flynn wouldn’t hear it and since he was the one currently paying all the bills, I figured I didn’t have much room to say anything.
I thought about going outside and getting some logs to start a fire but Flynn hated the smell of burning wood. The large, ornate fireplace was an original feature of the house that was built in the late 1800s. But Flynn rarely used it.
Wrapping my robe around me, I opened the curtains in the living room and looked out. The sky was grey and overcast and looked like snow.
It was only a little after six. Flynn wouldn’t be up for a while yet.
I wish that I could crawl back into bed and cuddle with him. I wasn’t the cuddling sort, never had been. But knowing that Flynn wouldn’t allow it made me almost desperate for it.
I turned up the heat almost defiantly. I knew Flynn would be unhappy but my teeth had started to chatter. Wanting something to do, I sat down at the desk and fired up the laptop.
I opened my email and found a message from Nadine. There were three pictures attached. One was of her tiny apartment. There obviously wasn’t room for much beyond a small kitchen table and a couch. She hadn’t been lying when she said it was small.
But the next two pictures negated any potential annoyance from living in a closet. One was of a bridge in Central Park and the last was of the shops and restaurants in Chinatown. Nadine’s goofy smile appeared just at the bottom of each as she tried to angle her phone to take the best shot.
When are you coming to visit? You’ll love it here and never want to leave!
Jealousy, raw and deep pierced me in the gut. Nadine was living it up in NYC and here I was in the middle of fucking nowhere twiddling my goddamned thumbs.
I quickly opened a new tab, refusing to look at her email any longer. I wished that I could smile and be selflessly happy for her. But how could I when a small, though loud part of me, wanted to be there with her?
I logged into my bank account and promptly felt even worse.
I was officially living on fumes. If I didn’t find a job soon I would have to resort to blowing truckers at the gas station off the interstate.
I was broke as a joke and it wasn’t funny.
Crap. Crap. Crap.
There was only so many times I could harass the places I had put in applications before they got a restraining order. And I would be damned if I took money from my boyfriend to buy fucking tampons.
I remembered Jeb’s offer a few weeks ago. Given the heightened level ofI’m Screwed,I was beginning to think it wasn’t such a bad idea. Sure it wasn’t ideal, but I wasn’t too proud to swallow a large helping of humble pie if I had to.
Maybe I’d go to see him later today about getting on the schedule. I reminded myself that it didn’t have to be forever. It would be temporary. Just until I found something else. Something that didn’t make me feel like a grade A loser.
What was the point of going to school if I’m back here to the same ol’ town and working the same ol’ job? You’ve come so far, Ellie McCallum.My inner voice was a raging asshole.
I slammed the laptop closed and dug the heels of my hands into my eyes. I had only been up for less than an hour and I was already feeling the beginnings of a stress-induced headache.
“What are you doing up already?” I glanced up to see Flynn and Murphy walk out into the living room.
“I didn’t wake you up, did I? I was trying to be quiet,” I said, getting to my feet. I reached out to hug him but he moved away. Flynn wasn’t a morning person. I could empathize. I used to make a habit to not be up before the Price as Right came on at eleven. So I got that he didn’t want to be loved on the second his feet hit the ground. But his evasion bugged me.
I was officially driving myself crazy.
This is Flynn. Stop expecting him to be someone he’s not!I berated myself. Clearly my inner Ellie needed a good bitch slap.
