So I did all of those things, even though I wanted to do the bad stuff more.
But then I came home from seeing my counselor to find that Sarah and Bailey had pulled all the stuffing out of Clive and left it all over my bedroom. They had cut off his ears and ripped off his tail.
I had cried. I couldn’t help it. I never cried, but I loved Clive.
My mom had given him to me when I was a baby and it was the only thing that wasmine.
I should have hidden him.
I should have kept him safe. He was all I had. And now he was ruined.
Gone.
And then I wasn’t crying anymore. I was angry.
So, so angry.
I didn’t want to scream in my pillow. I couldn’t think about counting backwards from ten. I couldn’t think of a happy place in my head that I could go to.
I marched down the hallway and went into the room that Sarah and Bailey shared. I didn’t feel jealous at seeing the chest overflowing with toys or the closet full of beautiful clothes. I barely noticed that this room was every little girl’s dream.
I grabbed a pair of scissors from the desk in the corner and picked up the doll I knew was Sarah’s favorite and I cut the hair. Then I poked its eyes out. Then I ripped its arms off and threw it against the wall.
I moved onto their pillows, pulling all the stuffing out, like they had done to Clive. I was so angry that I just kept cutting. And ripping. And breaking. Until their room looked like Clive.
In pieces.
I gripped the scissors tightly in my hand, the blade cutting into my palm. It hurt. Really bad. I looked down and saw the blood dripping down my fingers.
I smeared the sticky, red stuff all over the pretty, pink wall.
When I was finished I found their markers and wroteI hate youin big letters.
Mrs. Johnson found me scribbling on the walls. She took in the sight of her daughters’ bedroom and started yelling. She grabbed me by the arm and yanked me out into the hallway.
She screamed in my face but I didn’t hear her.
Because I felt better.
I had hurt them just like they hurt me.
I didn’t even care that they’d never want to keep me now. I didn’t care that they weren’t going to be my family.
I had to start taking care of myself.
I couldn’t depend on anyone.
**
I had spent all week driving around looking for work. I had put in at least a dozen applications. I had applied for a few secretarial positions and a couple of retail jobs. Nothing that really utilized my degree, but for now, I’d be okay with a steady income.
I hadn’t planned much beyond moving back to Wellston and now I was struggling to figure out the next step.
“How’s it going?” Nadine asked after calling me on my way to scour yet another town for employment.
“Well I haven’t earned my millions yet, if that’s what you’re asking,” I replied drolly. Flynn would be home early, so I planned to stop at the grocery store after job hunting. He had been in staff meetings that had lasted late into the evening all week and I felt as though I had barely seen him.
He’d come home after work, eat a quick dinner, usually consisting of a chicken salad sandwich and banana bread, then we’d walk Murphy before going to bed.
