He was love.
He was home.
He was forever.
“Flynn, I know leaving like that wasn’t right.” My voice caught and I had to take a deep breath before continuing.
“I know how that must have hurt you and I should have talked to you instead of leaving. It’s always been easiest for me to run. I’d rather avoid than deal with the messy and hard stuff. But I don’t want to run from you. I want to stay here. I want to live a life that’s meant for us alone.”
“You make my heart hurt, Ellie. I don’t understand why you do the things you do. I don’t understand a lot, I know that, but I try to understand you. But it’s hard. And then you leave or you won’t talk and I feel scared and worried because I just want you to stay. I want you to feel better.”
I took the last few steps until I was in front of him. I reached up and cupped his face in my hand. He didn’t pull away. He had let me in. And I swore to deserve him.
“You make me feel better by just being you, Flynn,” I said softly.
“But you always leave. It hurts so much when you do that,” he said tightly.
“I don’t know how to do things any differently. I never had a mom who baked me banana bread and made sure I had a packed lunch every day. My mom left me. I didn’t have the best role model for a healthy relationship. I think that it’s time that I dealt with all that. And I don’t think I can do it on my own. That I need more than you and me to work through my past,” I told him. Flynn slowly covered my hand with his.
“You could talk to Leonard. He helps me a lot,” Flynn suggested and I nodded.
“I think that would be a good idea.” Wow. I had just agreed to therapy. I never thought I’d see the day that would happen. But I couldn’t let my demons destroy anything else in my life.
I wouldn’t let them destroythis.
“This is hard. Leonard said it would be. I didn’t believe him. I should have listened.” Flynn shook his head.
“Leonard’s right. Being in relationship with someone is difficult. You have to figure out how to live in someone else’s space. I’m not used to it. In the years you and I have been together, we haven’t really everbeen together.Does that make sense?” I asked him.
“We didn’t live together. You were in Maryland and I was here.”
“And now we’re having to adjust our normal routines to accommodate each other. And we’re hitting some road bumps. And I haven’t handled them the best.”
“You yell a lot,” Flynn said.
“And you flip out when I’m not home for dinner,” I point out.
“You don’t put your dishes in the sink and leave hair in the drain in the shower,” he continues.
“You won’t let me touch your art stuff,” I lobbed back.
“But I love you and I want you here. Even when you make me mad,” Flynn said and I in the end that was really all that mattered.
“I do think we need to talk about something. Something important,” I began, not hesitating. Knowing this needed to be said.
“You look serious,” Flynn said, looking anxious.
“I can’t stay in Wellston forever, Flynn,” I said, getting straight to it.
“I thought you said you wanted to stay here. Now you want to leave.” His voice started to rise and I grabbed a hold of his hands and squeezed.
“Listen to me. I’m saying that I know you like your routines, your schedules, your predictability. I know that new places make you anxious and uncomfortable. But Flynn, I need to experience new places. I want to see what else is out there. I can’t live here and never leave.”
Flynn didn’t say anything. His face was completely unreadable. I felt sick. I worried that once again I was being selfish. But I knew that if this was ever going to work, this was something that I needed.
“But we’ll always come back,” Flynn said after a time.
I smiled and nodded. “We’ll always come back. This is our home.”
