I would walk away first before Flynn, or anyone else had a chance to walk away from me.
I couldn’t make those same, stupid choices again!
“I need to go back, Nadine. I can’t let Flynn think I’ve left him! Oh my god, why had I left like that? What in the hell is wrong with me?” I started searching for my car keys.
“Hang on a sec, Ellie. Just wait—“ Nadine tried to placate me but I wasn’t having it.
“Don’t, Nadine. I appreciate you taking me around your neighborhood. I really do, but I’ve got to get back. Tonight. I need to see Flynn so he knows. He thinks I’m not coming back!” I was starting to get hysterical.
Crap. I had never, in all my life, felt like this. Hysterical. Losing my mind. Freaking the fuck out.
Not when I was bounced from foster home to foster home. Not when Dania would come into my room after having to deal with Mr. Beretti. Not when I was sent to Spadardo’s Juvenile Detention Center.
I was terrified that I would lose Flynn.
That I had finally done it. I had pushed him away.
Some therapist in the long list of professionals who had attempted to fix me had told Julie that I would do whatever I could to keep people at an arm’s length. That RADs kids, or people with Reactive Attachment Disorder, didn’t know how to have healthy, functional relationships. That I had learned early on, through my own lack of nurturing, to close off my emotions and to sabotage any attempt at connection.
It felt like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I had never thought it possible for me to have a family, so I was ruining my chances before they began.
“It’s late, Ellie. You need to sleep. You’ve already driven six and a half hours today. You can get up and leave in the morning,” Nadine argued.
“But Flynn—“
“Will be there when you get back. It’ll suck worse for him if you crash into a tree because you’re exhausted,” my friend reasoned.
She handed me my phone from my purse. “Text or call him. These gadgets of the twenty-first century are pretty amazing,” she remarked sarcastically and I couldn’t help but smile.
“You’re a riot, Nadine,” I muttered, taking the phone.
I had been away for less than twenty-four hours and I already knew that I was ready to go back.
Yeah, I didn’t have a “real” job. Yeah, my boyfriend had some major issues that he struggled with every single day. Yeah I was a girl who walked around with a giant chip on her shoulder.
But I had ahome.A place to go that wasmine. I had someone that was waiting for me when I finally got my act together.
“I’m going to bed. I’m starting to get the spins, which means imminent vomiting. So I should probably go lie down before I pin-stripe you with my puke.” I made a face and nodded.
“Go then,” I urged her.
“Are you okay? You’re not going to go running out in the middle of the night are you?” Nadine leveled me with a hard stare.
“No, you’re right. I should sleep tonight. I’ll leave first thing.”
“Okay, well, goodnight. And tomorrow is a new day with your whole life ahead of you.” Nadine grinned.
“When did you start writing Hallmark cards?” I laughed. She stuck her tongue out at me, and went back to her room, closing the door.
I turned off the lamp and sat down on my makeshift bed on the couch. I didn’t want to call Flynn because he was probably asleep.
So I texted him.
A simple message that said everything. I just hoped it wasn’t too late.
I’m coming home.
