“Thanks for coming with me,” I had responded but he hadn’t heard me. He was already walking away.
I had met with Professor Au, another English teacher at Black River Community College and I told her of the classes Professor Smith had suggested. She had agreed they seemed like good options. I needed to make another appointment at the financial aid office to finalize the grants to cover the costs.
Then Professor Au had asked me, “Will you be looking to transfer to a four-year school for the fall?”
And even despite Flynn’s pep talk and the huge step I had taken by confirming my continued enrollment for next semester, I just couldn’t commit to anything beyond that.
So I had brushed off her question in my brash, rough way and our meeting had ended shortly after that.
But I felt good. I had been given some cautious optimism. And that was a hell of a lot more than I had ever had before.
I was in good spirits when I arrived at the animal shelter for my volunteer hours. I needed some fur and slobber and puppy adoration. It was with a dawning grief that I found his cage empty.
I knew that he was scheduled to be euthanized next week, though I had purposefully kept this out of my mind. I didn’t want to think about my big beautiful dog being put to sleep. But I couldn’t commit to bringing him home with me, as much as I cared for him.
Not now with my future so up in the air. Not when I was being pulled in so many different directions.
Murphy deserved better than my flaky selfishness.
Erin came up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder. I tensed and instantly pulled away. Her sympathy smothering me.
I was too late.
Murphy was gone. And I could have saved him. Once again my inability to make the right choices had cost me something that mattered.
“He was adopted,” Erin said and I was so lost in hating myself that I didn’t register her words right away.
When it finally dawned on me what she had said I felt my chest constrict.
“What did you say?” I demanded.
Erin chuckled but didn’t touch me again, though I knew it was killing her not to pat my back. She was the touchy feely type.
“Apparently someone came in over the weekend and adopted him. I saw the paperwork on my desk when I got here this morning.”
“He was adopted? He wasn’t put down?” I asked, needing the clarification.
Erin shook her head and smiled. “Nope, he was really adopted.”
She was already heading back to her office so I followed her. “Who adopted him? Can I see?” I asked.
“I’ve already put the information in the system and shredded the paper.” She looked at me with that goddamned sympathetic stare of hers again. “You know, it really doesn’t matterwhoadopted him, it’s that hewasadopted. He found a home,” she said.
“But how do you know he went to agoodhome? What if they aren’t nice people? What if they hurt him?” I was feeling more than a little panicked. I thought about Murphy and his soft, loving eyes and laughing mouth. What if his new owners were assholes?
“I’m sure they’ll love him as much as you do,” Erin said and I drew myself upright.
“Don’t get carried away, Erin, I just want to make sure he went to a good home, is all,” I blustered, hating that she called me out on my feelings.
What was wrong with me lately?
But she was right. I loved Murphy. And even though, deep down, I was happy he had been adopted and I wouldn’t have to face the prospect of him being euthanized, it still hurt knowing he’d found a home with someone that wasn’t me. Even though I had the opportunity to give it to him and hadn’t because of my inability to commit to anything.
But that was the story of my freaking life.
Erin grinned at me like she had just learned some big secret. Instead of growling at her like one of the dogs in the shelter behind me, I turned on my heel and stalked off.
Murphy being gone left a huge gaping hole in my chest. I enjoyed the other dogs. Some of them were pretty damn cute, but they weren’t Murphy. And I hated how attached I had become to the fur ball.
