I hated myself for the weakness. I hated him for bringing it out in me. I was in a thick quagmire of all around loathing.
But it wasn’t all bad. Even as I struggled with Flynn’s presence in my world, I was finding dreams perhaps weren’t so unattainable.
Professor Smith had called my name before I left class one Friday afternoon. I startled at the sound of his bland, non-descript tone. I immediately began to catalog the million and one ways I could have possibly gotten into trouble.
It was instinct. I couldn’t help it. Rarely was my name called for a good reason.
So I was shocked to the tips of my toes when he pulled out the essay I had handed in several weeks ago on Young Goodman Brown with a redAblazoned on the top.
I took the paper and stared at it. Was this a joke? I don’t think I’d ever gotten an A in my life.
Professor Smith had written a few comments along the margins.Excellently explained!Andwonderful analysis! Well done!
Professor Smith pointed at my essay. “This is excellent work, Ellie. It was one of the better essays I’ve read in a long time. Your arguments were solid and well thought out. There was a level of deduction that is highly complex and in my opinion more in line for a graduate level class. I have to say I’m extremely impressed by your work in this class. I would urge you to take some more challenging English classes next semester. Your writing is effortless and fluid. It’s clear you have a natural gift. It would be a shame for you not to pursue it.”
My mouth gaped open and I closed it quickly. I didn’t know what to say. I had taken the class on a whim. And here I was being told I was actually doing well.
I couldn’t think of a time in my life when I was told I was good at something. In school, I had barely coasted by and the people at juvie had been anything but encouraging.
But here was a college professor telling me I sort of rocked in his own boring, uninspiring way. Pride was nice to feel.
I rolled my essay up and gripped it tightly in my hand, scared to accept what he was telling me, but unwilling to dismiss it altogether.
“Have you signed up for classes for the spring yet?” Professor Smith asked me.
I shook my head. I didn’t want to say that I was suffering from a severe case of chicken shit. Not knowing how to believe in yourself was hard on the whole planning for a possible future thing.
Professor Smith wrote something down on a sticky note and handed it to me. I looked down and saw that he had listed three other classes. British Literature, Creative Writing, and the Development of the Short Story.
“These are just some ideas when you’re putting your schedule together. They are good pre-requisites for transferring to a four-year school.”
I almost swallowed on my tongue. Four-year school? It was the carrot dangling in front of my face. The cheese at the end of the maze. Tantalizing but still so out of reach.
“I don’t think” I began, ready to give voice to the idiocy of these pipe dreams.
Professor Smith interrupted me. “Just think about it. No need to make a decision about it now.”
Think about it.
Yeah I could do that.
I tapped my essay with my finger. “Will do, Professor. Thank you,” I said and I meant it.
Maybe Professor Smith wasn’t so bad after all.
I left the Dunlop building in good spirits.
And then my phone rang.
Damn that phone!
“Miss McCallum?” a voice said on the other end.
“Hi Mr. Cox,” I said, trying not to snicker. It was my probation officer. Mr. James Cox. Mr. Cox to me. I couldn’t say his name without wanting to bust a gut. I was pretty sure his dickish demeanor had a direct correlation to the amount of teasing he received as a kid bearing the brunt of that unfortunate name.
He wasn’t the worst as far as probation officer go but he was still a jerk. I for one didn’t like having someone look over your shoulder every time I sneezed. I had to account for all of my X,Ys and Zs. I may have mentioned that I didn’t care for authority and Mr. Cox embodied everything I hated about people with power.
“I’m going to need you to head over to the Straight Lab office to submit some urine for a drug screening,” he informed me.
